

Llama revolt shuts down MMW News
MMW WORLD HEADQUARTERS—As astute readers have noticed, Mike Malloy Writer News Service has been silent recently. Allow us to explain. Our...
Sep 30, 2021


Wyoming school may change ass-related mascot
Anderson, Wy.—The controversy about high school mascots has arrived in this rural Wyoming hamlet. While the rest of nation wrestles with...
Sep 10, 2021


Citizen's arrest! Flood of legislation inspired by Texas abortion law
On Wednesday, the U.S. Supreme Court declined to intervene in a Texas law that would allow private citizens to enforce a ban on abortions...
Sep 1, 2021


Superstars stop flushing the toilet
HOLLYWOOD—Days after admitting that he does not regularly bathe, actor Jake Gyllenhaal admitted that he does not flush a toilet after...
Aug 17, 2021


Cyber Ninja’s audit: Al Gore won in 2000
PHOENIX—The Cyber Ninja’s released its long-awaited audit of votes in Maricopa County, Arizona, concludes that Al Gore won the 2000...
Aug 10, 2021


46-year-old preps for 2024 Olympics
ALBERT LEA, MN—Inspired by watching this year’s Olympics, Paul Anderson, 46, has decided to become a sprinter. “If you can dream it, you...
Aug 2, 2021


New 97-team super conference forms
College athletics was rocked Monday afternoon when college presidents agreed to create a new 97-team football conference. The new league...
Jul 26, 2021


QAnon followers believe Olympics already happened
AN ABANDONED STUCKEY’S ON I-10 BETWEEN NEW ORLEANS AND HOUSTON — The long-awaited 2020 summer Olympics are set to begin Friday in Tokyo,...
Jul 20, 2021


Guest Editorial: Why I love the filibuster, by Sen. Joe Manchin
There’s been a lot of strum and drang about my support for the filibuster lately. A lot of my Democratic colleagues have been giving me...
Jun 11, 2021


Just Headlines
Here are headlines to stories we assigned to our intern, Chuck, prior to us sending him to cover that séance. If you see him, tell him...
May 28, 2021


Four-thirds of Americans struggle with fractions
The General Social Survey released the results of its annual poll Monday. This year’s results provided insight into where Americans stand...
May 10, 2021


Ohio legislator misses key vote for lack of ID
Columbus, Ohio—A bill mirroring Georgia’s election overhaul failed by one vote in the Ohio Legislature Monday. Senate File 103 lost,...
May 3, 2021


Space X hampered by movie cliches
A Galaxy Far, Far Away—The crew aboard the well-publicized Space X Endeavour mission to the International Space Station began...
Apr 26, 2021


Cicadas: “You people suck. We’re going back under.”
Knoxville, Tn.—The long-anticipated emergence of the Brood X cicadas proved short lived. The cicadas, which emerge from the ground every...
Apr 17, 2021


“How many Toby Keith songs can you sing?” and other questions Georgia election officials can ask
Atlanta, Ga.—Following up on their highly successful voting reform bill, the Georgia Legislature passed a second bill Monday that would...
Apr 12, 2021


Wisconsin tow truck driver vows to help stuck ship
Appleton, WI—Doug Nelson has a truck and a plan. Now he just has to get across the ocean. Nelson, 44, owns Stuck Outta Luck, a towing...
Mar 27, 2021


Researcher exploring the link between diabetes and racism
Cambridge, Mass.—Following an ugly incident at an Oklahoma high school girls’ basketball game, Dr. Ron Green is swinging into action. The...
Mar 16, 2021


Kansas stunner: School has football program
Lawrence, Kan.—The firing of Kansas football coach Les Miles has been a revelation to thousands of fans and reporters who were previously...
Mar 10, 2021


Ted Cruz vows to restore Mr. Potato Head’s penis
Washington DC—Desperate to turn the attention away from his disastrous trip to Cancun and the massive failure of his home state to...
Mar 4, 2021


A history of fleeing
Houston, Tx.—Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas abruptly ended a trip to Cancun Thursday after Americans were outraged that he would leave his home...
Feb 20, 2021