Superstars stop flushing the toilet

HOLLYWOOD—Days after admitting that he does not regularly bathe, actor Jake Gyllenhaal admitted that he does not flush a toilet after each use.


“I don’t see what the big deal is. There’s a lid,” he said.


The “Brokeback Mountain” star drew attention last week when he told Vanity Fair that he washes infrequently. Instead of a universal “eww-ick”, the 40-year-old actor found support from fellow superstars Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. The couple also added Tuesday that they don’t flush until all eight commodes at their Rancho Cucamonga estate are full.


“It’s called a no-flow toilet, #FlushTheFlush” Kutcher tweeted.


Lighting technician Erin Thomas, who worked with Kutcher on the set of 2010’s “Killers”, confirms that the Kutcher’s infrequent soap application and inconsiderate bathroom protocols nearly halted production.


“We had to burn that trailer,” Thomas said. “I always thought he was kinda hot, so I was thrilled to meet him but then, wow. I’m so glad he only shook my hand because if he’d hugged me, it would’ve been like being trapped in an upended porta-potty that someone had gutted fish in for 10 years…that’s not a bad idea for a horror movie; a creature, Stankenstein, rides foul smells through people’s noses into their brains, driving them insane. Sorry, I gotta make a couple calls.”


A personal assistant to several A-Listers, who asked not to be named, said voiding the water closet is no longer a given in Hollywood.


“They call it ‘turd-chic’,” the assistant said. “Luckily, I have an app on my phone that tells me when the toilet’s been used and I can take care of it with one tap. Then they’re all like, ‘Hey, [name redacted] what happened to the brown mamba I had in here?’ and I’ll be like, ‘That’s weird, I’ll call the plumber’ and then I call a friend of mine who’s an out-of-work actor and he’ll come over with a wrench and denim shirt with “Randy” sewn into it that he snagged from his college’s costume library and he’ll pretend to work on it for like five minutes and charge them 500 bucks; we split it. It’s to cover my extra duties…hey, that’s a pretty good pun!”


The assistant continued: “I’ve been wearing a mask long before Covid came around. The worst thing is they think they’re doing this for the good of the environment but I’m like, how about you give up for [expletive deleted] private plane instead!”


Update: After this story was published, Miramax released a statement that “Don’t Sniff” was going into pre-production (“Stankenstein” was dropped for copyright purposes) and would star anyone who doesn’t smell like encrusted tube socks eaten and then defecated by a wild boar into a stagnant pond filled with spent smokestacks and medical waste.

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