Kansas stunner: School has football program

Lawrence, Kan.—The firing of Kansas football coach Les Miles has been a revelation to thousands of fans and reporters who were previously unaware that the Jayhawks have been fielding a team each fall.

“A couple years ago, when I heard Les Miles was getting back into coaching at Kansas, I thought he was going to a high school there,” ESPN College Gameday host Rece Davis said. “Have we ever shown highlights of a Kansas game? I sure don’t recall that.”

Davis’ colleague Kirk Herbstreit was also stunned.

“Of course I’ve heard of Kansas State football. Bill Snyder built that program out of nothing and I really think Chris Klieman, with his hard-nosed brand of football, can … what? Kansas football? No, I’m pretty sure the Wildcats are the only team in that state,” Herbstreit said.

Herbstreit was then shown grainy video of a 38-23 Kansas loss to Coastal Carolina last September.

“What am I looking at? Is this like one of those sasquatch videos?” he said.

Former Oklahoma football coach Bob Stoops confirmed that Kansas was an annual opponent while he coached the Sooners. He also claims that his team was credited with a conference win for defeating Kansas.

“Oh, yeah, I remember them. That’s the school in … not Manhattan, but the other one,” Stoops said. “I remember we went up there one time. Our starting QB was hurt and our backup snuck out and went to a strip club the night before the game so we had to suspend him. We started our punter under center; we won 41-6 and he only had to punt once.”

Chelsea Davis, a sports reporter at the Kansas City Star, also confirmed that the allegations of Kansas football are true.

“I was really excited to be hired by the Star and I told my editor I was up for anything – high school sports, minor league soccer, adult rec league badminton – and then he says, ‘How about KU football?’” Davis said. “I did it for three years. Ugh. I think I saw them make like 10 or 11 first downs in that time. I now cover the Kansas City T-Bones [of the American Association Baseball League]. I’m much happier; certainly more so than the intern we have covering Jayhawks football.”

Herbstreit remains unconvinced and appeared hostile to the suggestion that Kansas football was a going concern.

“You’re [expletive deleted] with me, right? Look, I’ve been associated with college football my whole life and I’ve never heard of such a thing. What’s next, you’re going to tell me Rutgers has a team?” Herbstreit said.

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