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Citizen's arrest! Flood of legislation inspired by Texas abortion law

On Wednesday, the U.S. Supreme Court declined to intervene in a Texas law that would allow private citizens to enforce a ban on abortions after six weeks. Average Joes and Janes could earn $10,000 for proving that a woman had an abortion after six weeks of pregnancy. The law affirms the old People’s Court edict: “Do take the law into your owns hands, then take them to court and profit.”

Following up on the ingenious legislative maneuver many other states have followed-up with proposals to allow their citizens to enforce new laws. MMW News Service takes a look at the proposed legislation:


House Bill 193. Whereas illegal opiates continue to plague our towns and cities, any Ohio resident who suspects someone of selling heroin, fentanyl, or other pain killers is hereby deputized to approach a person(s) involved in a drug deal and shout, “Hey, stop that!”

Such residents will not earn cash compensation but will receive a buy-one-get-one free at any participating Shake Shack (not valid in combination with any other law enforcement-related meal deals).


Legislative Bill 33. Any Iowan who can prove that a public school or publicly funded university is teaching Critical Race Theory will receive $1,000 and a “CRT Ain’t For Me” bumper sticker. For purposes of this legislation, CRT is defined as anything that makes Sean Hannity uncomfortable.

Texas (amendment to previous legislation)

Senate File 8A. A woman who obtains an abortion cannot collect the $10,000. Also, a woman cannot fake a pregnancy, have her boyfriend charge the clinic with an illegal abortion, and then split the money with the doctor who’s in on the con.


Senate File 72. Anyone who is found not helping a poor woman from Texas who can’t afford to fly to Boston for an abortion is fined $10,001 for the first offense – the extra dollar will go toward the Let’s Help Texas Succeed Fund. The fine doubles for a second offense and those convicted will be extradited to Lubbock.


Legislative Bill 916. Anyone found making fun of the University of Nebraska’s football program will be fined $500. Proceeds will be equally split between the citizen who brought the infraction to the attention of law enforcement and the university’s athletic department, which will need to hire a new coach very soon.

Texas (amendment to the previous amendment)

Senate File 8B. In order to make it easier to prove a woman had an illegal abortion, medical privacy laws are permanently suspended. All women aged 13-50 in Texas must carry their medical records, either digitally or in a folder marked “Recent mammograms, etc.”, at all times and show them to any concerned citizen who asks to see them.


House File 1027. Any Vermonter who can prove a doctor prescribed Ivermectin to treat Covid-19 will be given $10,000 and the doctor will be given horse worms.

Texas (amendment to the previous amendment of the amendment)

Senate File 8C. Texas women affected by SF 8B may refuse showing their medical records to any government official. We don’t want some government bureaucrat messing around with people’s lives.


Senate Bill 132. Anyone from outside the state of Montana accusing any Montana resident of anything will receive a hug. We’re really tired of being ignored.


Legislative File 779. Any Floridian who can successfully recall Ron DeSantis will receive a million dollars, a beachfront home, and a Nobel Prize.

Texas (amendment to previous amendments, et al)

Senate File 8D. It would also help if all women in Texas could keep a sexual log, thereby making it easier to determine when she became pregnant. Butt stuff can be omitted.



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