PHOENIX—The Cyber Ninja’s released its long-awaited audit of votes in Maricopa County, Arizona, concludes that Al Gore won the 2000 presidential election.
“Look, I’m as upset about this as anyone,” Rod Thomson, a spokesperson for the firm, said at a press conference Tuesday morning. “But the truth is the truth.”
Cyber Ninjas had been working a location in the bottom of the Grand Canyon to try to determine if President Joe Biden had actually won the state of Arizona in the 2020 election, but the group became sidetracked when it discovered a partially buried metal box that read: “Property of Miami-Dade Election Commissioner”. Inside were 997 ballots from the 2000 election along with a hand-written note reading, “Rumsey, find a place to hide this where it won’t be discovered until we’re all dead. Yours in Christ, D. Cheney.”
“There were 990 votes for Al Gore and two votes for Pat Buchanan … man, he would have made a great president,” Thomson said as he gazed off in the distance. “Um, so, yeah, the other five were write-in votes for ‘Amanda Love, ‘Katie Katz, ‘Peter Eaton’, ‘Woody Pfister’, and ‘Crooked Penis McGee’. That last one we suspect is not a real person.”
That would be enough to overcome President George W Bush’s official winning margin in Florida of 537 votes, thus handing Gore the state of Florida and the presidency.
Thomson said it was easy to prove the ballots’ authenticity.
“Each one has a watermark that says ‘this ballot brought to you by Larry’s Jet Ski World: put a splash on your ass.’ What other state would do that?” he said.
Fox News quickly broke off its live coverage and cut to breaking news that a record number of people are planning to say “Happy Holidays” this winter while OAN didn’t broadcast anything for 22 minutes save for a still shot reading “technical difficulties” under a cartoon of Nancy Pelosi pulling a plug on an electrical box marked “freedom”.
Congress immediately went into an unprecedented joint session with the Supreme Court, the White House, and a group of theoretical physicists to see how the last 20 years could be unwound. Shortly after the meeting, the Earth began spinning backwards at a rapid pace and when it stopped the assembled members of government were alarmed to find the U.S. Capitol sinking into an uninhabited swamp.
“Sorry,” physicist Joel Hansen said. “I miscalculated; we’re in the year 200. OK, everybody hold on we’re gonna try this again.”