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Cicadas: “You people suck. We’re going back under.”

Knoxville, Tn.—The long-anticipated emergence of the Brood X cicadas proved short lived. The cicadas, which emerge from the ground every 17 years to mate, announced at a hastily planned press conference Saturday morning that they would be returning to the ground.

“What the hell is wrong with you people? When we went under in 2004, we thought you’d solve some of these problems – mass shootings, income inequality, police brutality, environmental degradation – but they’re worse! What have you been doing, yanking it?” said King Lear, who then noted to quizzical faces that all cicadas are named after characters in the Shakespearean tragedy of the same name.

The first cicadas began emerging Thursday in Knoxville and quickly began calling for mates. While waiting to copulate, the brown, winged creatures began to learn about current events.

“Regan was hovering over someone’s laptop – which look much sleeker than we remember, which made us hope you people had made other advances,” Goneril said, “And she saw a story about Joe Biden being president, and that seemed, like, underwhelming, but then she found out who the previous president was. How the fuck did that happen?”

Edmund was reportedly the first cicada to re-burrow after finding out Americans had been arguing for a year whether required mask wearing was tyranny. The Earl of Kent soon followed after learning from a gaggle of geese that mass shootings are common and easy to forget.

“I mean, you have to keep a list of these things,” Kent said. “And yet you want to bitch about which Dr. Seuss books you can still buy. Way to go, morons.”

Cordelia had hoped to stay above ground for several months before learning that 2020 was the hottest year on record.

“Nice job dicking up the planet,” she said. “Maybe you guys should try electing someone who believes in science. And a Black president would be nice, you know, to heal some wounds…WHAT?! And everything is still fucked up? That’s it, I’m out.”


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