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Trump presidential library now open!

Tired of stodgy presidential libraries with their trove of historic papers and exhibits? Well leave it to norm-shattering President Donald Trump to change all that. It’s a re-imagined library, much like Trump re-imagined the roles of decency and facts in governing the country.

Located inside the 19th hole at Mar-A-Lago, visitors can make themselves feel better by using the scale that showed Trump weighing 239 pounds, and then dine on KFC and Wendy’s catering (lots of leftovers after so many championship teams declined to visit the White House).

Tour the Hall of Disloyalty where punching bags depicting Rex Tillerson, Anthony Scaramucci, and Jeff Session are available. Go ahead, let out your anger by showing these turncoats who’s boss…or who used to be boss.

Then swing through the wing of lightly read intelligence briefings. See notes written in the president’s own hand, like one from 2018 with a heart drawn around Kim Jong Un’s name or one from February about the coming Covid-19 pandemic – notes in the margin: 1. Blame China. 2. Bleech? 3. [drawing of a dog chasing a person wearing a mask].

And of course, there’s tweets! Reminisce about the good old days when the president bragged about the size of his nuclear button, banned transgendered people from serving in the military, told members of Congress to go back to their home country (and sure, some liberals might point out three of the four were born in the U.S. but gosh darn it sure doesn’t feel like it) and who can forget the rallying cry of our generation: covfefe. For $20, you can use the jumbo-sized, gold-plated iPhone to post your own presidential tweet. For $500, you can fire a cabinet member!

The Lock Her Up Gift Shop features copies of “The Art of the Deal” all of which are signed (not by Trump, by Randy, the gift shop manager whose gotten pretty good at forging), MAGA hats available in red and really red, honorary doctorates from Trump University, make-your-own non-disclosure agreements, a really nasty dossier about Hunter Biden, a chart showing how tall Trump is compared to other world leaders, six-packs of Hydroxychloroquine (available in peach, raspberry, and clamato), anti-tank missiles Ukraine hasn’t “paid for”, t-shirts reading “it’s infrastructure week”, a family separation play set, and Eric (please no returns).

Hurry down to schedule a tour before the next attorney general confiscates most of this as evidence.


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