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America: We must talk about Jason Aldean

Hi, friends. America here. I’m writing about an urgent matter that we need to discuss. I’m talking, of course, about the Jason Aldean song, “Try a Small Town”…I think that’s the title. I haven’t listened to it but I did see some Facebook posts about it and I think this is either a racial reckoning akin to the summer of 2020 or the latest example of conservatives’ free speech being trampled upon. We must get very mad about this either way.


I know what some of you will say. “Meri (that’s what my friends call me) shouldn’t we focus on climate change, inflation, income inequality, education, mass shootings, our growing federal debt, over policing, mass incarceration, sexism, ethical lapses at the Supreme Court, all those untested rape kits, or our country’s drift into authoritarianism?” I’m afraid all that will all have to wait.


This song comes at such an unfortunate time because I thought we’d put the matter of racism to rest. Let’s get to the bottom of this.


Now, it’s my understanding that there’s a video, which I haven’t seen, and it was filmed at a courthouse where a lynching took place. This was clearly intentional because we’ve acknowledged our history of lynching and all sites are carefully marked and discussed in schools. It couldn’t be that the director was unaware of this and just thought it was a nice backdrop. No, he must be punished because ignorance can never be cured with education.


I also can’t believe that a singer, a country singer no less, could be racist. Someone online even posted a photo of Jason Alden shaking hands with a Black guy, so there goes that theory. And he really seems to love America (blush) and I’m the best country there is, so how could anyone who loves America do something wrong?


I’m also really worried about free speech. As it says in the Declaration of Independence, “Thou shalt be allowed to say whatever thou wants and nobody can do anything about it.” Just the other day I read on Twitter about a guy who was told he couldn’t wear a t-shirt by some jackbooted thug. The t-shirt read “Uncle Ernie’s Sex Toys and Bail Bonds, call 1-800-ASS-PLUG” and the person who told him to take it off was his boss. Then someone else posted that free speech protections only apply to the government, and then the first guy was like, “But isn’t the boss kinda like the government of that company?” And the other guy said, “You’re a moron and I wish you’d been aborted.” And the first guy replied, “I’d rather be dead than breathe the same air as you, fuck bucket!”


Really made me think.


So, I turned to the arbiter of consequential issues: Reddit. There was already a sub-Reddit titled, “I’m boycotting that country singer I haven’t heard of” and another, “Everyone: download John Dean’s song new song now!” There was also a thread started by PatriotPatriotPatriotPatriotYesPatriot1977 that said the singer’s real name is Jason Al-Dean and that he’s a secret Muslim from that country where ISIS is. If only there was an easy way to remember the name of it.


Anyway, after careful thought and deep introspection I have decided that the song is…oh my God. I just saw on Parler that an NFL player re-posted a link to a story about how more people have turned gay since Joe Biden took office than at any time in history. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?

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