Hey pals,
It’s your old friend and light in life, George, wishing you a Merry Christmas. I hope this letter finds you in good health and a great tan!
It’s been quite a year for me. As you may have heard, I recently decided, after 27 wonderful years, to resign from the House of Representatives. I just felt I’d accomplished all I could accomplish there, and I was extremely honored that they held such grand going-away party for me; they even held a vote demanding that I stay, and it passed with bipartisan support! I wasn’t expecting that, nor was I expecting them to rename the Capitol the George D Santos Memorial We're-So-Glad-We-Knew-Him Hall of Lawmaking and Sunshine. The “D” stands for Daffodils – my favorite flower. My real middle name is Narcissus Christ Complex (my mom was a hoot!).
I really appreciate all the well wishes, like when Speaker Johnson saw me in the cloak room and said, “You’re still here?” I could feel the joy and relief in his voice that he had a few more moments with me. And I really appreciate all of my colleagues, Republicans and Democrats, begging me to run for president. I realize that as the first person to be elected to Congress at age eight that I had the experience combined with a compelling biography – a gay, Latino, occasionally Jewish blue-collar guy who has PhDs from Harvard and Cambridge and was also the first soldier to be awarded a Purple Heart in six different wars – would make me a shoo-in.
I agree, but I really need to focus on my family, which brings me to my exciting news: I’m a daddy! That’s right, my husband, Darren, became the first man to give birth three weeks ago. We wanted to keep it quiet because I’m not an attention seeker, but now we’d like the world to know and share in our joy! By the way, this isn’t the baby I was carrying in Congress the other day. That was a baby I’d successfully separated from its conjoined twin through a combination of positive thinking and reflexology. It’s a little technique I’ve been working on that I hope will earn me my third Nobel Prize for Medicine.
Another highlight this year was my summer tour with my band The Swingin’ Santoses. Thank you to all who came out for the tour, and especially to Taylor Swift who was gracious enough to open for us (Tay-Tay, so glad I introduced you to Travis).
I’m looking forward to some new adventures in 2024, like captaining the U.S. Men’s Volleyball team at the Olympics for the fifth time. I’m not quite the same player I was when I was named Setter of the Millennium back in 2012, but my teammates kept begging me to return and I just couldn’t say no! Of course, it’ll take time away from the tour for my autobiography, “What it was Like to Write ‘Gone With the Wind’ and Other Anecdotes from the Incredible Life of George Santos” and opening a new mega-church that will eliminate all hatred and bigotry while putting the “fun” back in “Sunday fun day.”
Oh, I almost forgot. I also intend to debut a new cryptocurrency – Kwonk. I know what you’re thinking, “I’m sure millions of angel investors, and actual angels, have already put money in Kwonk and I’ll never be able to participate,” but this opportunity is too good to not include all you lovely people. Just scan the QR code I hand-wrote on the envelope (so glad I took those art classes at the Sorbonne) and invest today! Currently, one Kwonk is worth about $475 in boring old U.S. Dollars, but if you act quickly, you’ll soon be rich enough that you can influence Clarence Thomas. Plus, you’ll have peace of mind knowing you invested in someone you can trust.
Editor’s note: The investigative team at MMW News Service found one factual inaccuracy in George Santos’ Christmas letter. In March of 2022, Santos told the New York Times that his favorite flower was, in fact, Tulips and not Daffodils.