Dear patriot,
I am thankful for many things this Thanksgiving season and I hope you are thankful that you elected a fighter, and boy did I make good on that promise when I totally made the president of the Teamsters back down. If you didn’t see what happened, just Google my name, “fight”, “senate”, and “moron” and video should come up. I assume the moron refers to that coward Sean O’Brien who is only alive today because for some reason the rules say you can’t batter someone during a Senate hearing (at least not until we pass my bill, S 315, the Come At Me Bro Act). And I assure you that Sen. Bernie Sanders didn’t stop me, it’s just that he’s old and weak and I literally could bust his head like a zit by flexing my left pinkie which in the eyes of some snowflakes would make me look bad.
But it’s against the “rules” or whatever to fight like a man. Did George Washington worry about the rules when he put King George in that headlock forced him to grant us independence? Hell no!
This is what I’m up against in the halls of Congress. People are always telling me, “Senator, violence has no place here”, “This is a place where we make laws, not break them”, and “I’m not interested in how much you can bench.” Even some of my Republican colleagues have told me that the purpose of a hearing is to ask a series of questions, based on research you and your staff have done, to gain knowledge and then use that knowledge to create legislation that would solve problems for everyday Americans. Well, I don’t have time for all that. I want answers, and I want them to come from someone I’ve got in a chicken wing as I’m screaming, “TELL ME ALL THOSE BIDEN VOTES WERE PHONY OR I’LL TEAR OFF YOUR ARM AND HANG IT ON MY OFFICE WALL, RIGHT NEXT TO THE PICTURE OF MY WIFE AND CHILDREN!”
So, I need your help to make the Senate great again. We need to go back to a time when caning was not only acceptable but celebrated. Then we’ll finally take back our country. Please consider a donation to my campaign, and remember, I already saved all of you taxpayers a lot of money by getting rid of my security detail. I don’t worry about threats; I am a threat!
Here’s what your contribution can do:
$15 buys me an “I’ll make you tap” t-shirt I can wear while on the Senate floor. Double-XL, of course.
$30 gets me a night stick from the Washington DC Police Department’s monthly surplus sale.
$50 and I can wrap that night stick in 10-feet of log chain.
$400 allows me to get a tattoo of a middle finger on both of my middle fingers so I can flip off the liberals four times!
$600 two words: ninja throwing stars.
$150,000 and I buy a monster truck, custom made to look like a fist, that I can use to crush all the electric vehicles in DC.
Please donate today so I can keep representing Oklahoma values in Congress.
Yours in strength,
Sen. Markwayne Mullin