Austin, Tx. —Gov. Greg Abbott of Texas announced Monday morning that all eclipse watch parties in his state were canceled because of the damaging effect the phenomenon might have on children.
“When I put my hand on that Bible and became your governor, I swore that I would protect our children from harm,” Abbott said. “I can’t imagine the mind-ripping experience of a precious, innocent second grader looking up at the sky and seeing the world go dark in the middle of the afternoon. I won’t allow it. And to think some so-called teachers in this state thought this would help our children understand science.”
A few hundred people had gathered on the capitol steps in Austin – one of the cities in the path of totality – when the announcement was made. They were told to go home and pray.
A reporter with MMW News Service followed the group to a nearby park where people, glasses on heads, watched the sun slowly disappear. Well, all but one, Jane Doh (a Simpsons’ fan who asked that her real name not be used) kept watch for cops.
“I was able to sneak a peek every now and then, but a lot of these folks came from out of state and I felt bad that they’d…BEEF BURGERS!” Doh said, shouting the agreed-upon code words indicating that police were approaching.
The gathering quickly pulled off their glasses, stuffing them into purses and pockets.
“Hey, what are you people doing?” an officer shouted from his squad car.
“We’re, you know, just talking about freedom…” one person said.
“Reciting the Ten Commandments!” another jumped in. “And how much we support cops.”
The officer scowled and then drove away.
“OK, folks, that was a close one. Let’s make sure he’s gone before we put the glasses back on, and delete the browser history on your phones,” Doh said.
Ron DeSantis, who apparently is still governor of Florida, made a similar proclamation even though the eclipse did not pass through his state.
“This is another example of making science woke, which we’re still fighting against…or maybe we’ve moved on to other battles. Like, say, immigration…or prayer in schools…come on, people why don’t you like me! I’m saying the right words!” he said as people in the small gathering outside his office slowly walked away.
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) took to X, formerly known as the cesspool of Twitter, and tweeted, “How convenient that this path of darkness starts in Texas and continues through proud states like Oklahoma, Missouri, Indiana, and Ohio while liberal states like California and Massachusetts are unaffected! #BidenMakesItDark”
And on his podcast from an undisclosed location where international law can’t reach him, Alex Jones said the eclipse was another example of reverse racism.
“If you go out and tell people that you don’t want to look at the eclipse, the left-wing media will call you a bigot, but do we celebrate snowstorms? How about fog? No! Is that because they’re too white!?” Jones said before going into an ad for his apocalypse-proof brand of beef jerky.