Kristen Welker keeps the mute button

Nashville, Tn.—After a widely praised performance as moderator in Thursday’s presidential debate, Kristen Welker has refused to give up her mute button.


The MSNBC reporter was able to maintain order during the final presidential debate between Joe Biden and President Donald Trump by shutting off the microphone of the candidate who was not supposed to be talking.


“I was apprehensive at first,” Welker said. “One of them was vice-president, the other is the president. It’s hard to imagine Walter Cronkite muting Dwight Eisenhower, but after that first debate…I mean, how would you get Trump to stop talking? Tell him Stormy Daniels is back stage with a bucket of chicken?”


After realizing the power of the mute button, Welker slipped it into pocket. The Commission on Presidential Debates issued a statement demanding the reporter return the device. She demurred.


“Please. The CPD makes UN forces look like Seal Team 6,” Welker said.


The 44-year-old said the silencing device is ideal for a woman of color in journalism.


“I was talking to someone yesterday and I told her I graduated from Harvard, and she said, ‘Oh, what sport did you play?’ Boom, mute button,” Welker said. “Someone asks, ‘How do you balance work and family?’ Mute button. Network exec asks you to wear a dress instead of pants; mute button. Guy says, ‘I’ve always wanted to date an Indian girl’; mute button, mute button, mute button!”


Fox News’ Chris Wallace, who could not contain an interruptive Trump in the first debate, said Welker did a good job, but had an unfair advantage.


“Did the debate go well? Sure, but she had the ability to stop the candidates from talking. I really think that’s an apples-to-oranges comp…” Wallace said before is voice went silent.


Welker then appear in the back of the room, clicking her red-buttoned equalizer.


“Gotcha, bitch!” she said with a cackle.


0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

© 2023 by The Artifact. Proudly created with Wix.com