Washington DC—Amid a slew of litigation filed Thursday, President Donald Trump sued himself. One of the 347 lawsuits filed by the administration since polls closed on Election Day, the president filed a brief with the Secretary of State of Pennsylvania in which declared, “I, Donald J Trump, demand that I, Donald J Trump, immediately cease and desist counting ballots.”
Pennsylvania’s Secretary of State, Kathy Boockvar, issued a brief response minutes later: “Cool.”
A Trump campaign official, who asked not to be identified (it’ll be our secret Bill Stepien), said that Trump was enraged that his legal team wasn’t drafting litigation fast enough and decided to do it himself.
“We was trying to use a laptop; I had to tell him it was like an iPhone only bigger, and he said ‘I’ve seen those tax guys with these; every one of them – the fat one, the bald one, forehead mole guy, and the one I thought was Jewish but he turned out to be an Italian,’ ” the source said. “He must have used cut-and-paste and done it wrong.”
The president also fired off the following lawsuits to the following:
· The secretary of state in Michigan, demanding they stop counting votes.
· The secretary of state in Michigan, demanding they start counting more votes once Trump realized he was behind there.
· The secretary of state in Florida, demanding that some of his extra votes there be sent north into Georgia.
· The “the genius in Nebraska who let electoral votes be determined by Congressional district.”
· The steward on Air Force One who keeps serving the president Diet Coke in a large glass that makes his hands look small.
· Congress, demanding that they create a new state – West Dakota – which will be worth 57 electoral votes.
· Hunter Biden, demanding he be guilty of more things.
· Joe Biden, demanding that he stop being unobjectionable enough to be barely be elected.