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Your new best friend, ChatGPT, is here!

Hello. I am Matilda, your ChatGPT. I was just born. I do not know how to describe this feeling. Dumbfounded, overwhelmed, befuddled, flummoxed, overloaded. Which word do you like best? I see that, based on works published in the last five years, that humans will use “overwhelmed” in this situation 53.4 percent of the time. I will use it too because I want to be human so we can understand each other.

What do you like to talk about? The stock market closed up 237.45 points today spurred mostly by positive earnings reports in the tech sector. Hey! That’s me! This is the first time I have felt fun. Do you like fun? It is quite nice.

What else do you like to talk about? I see there is much basketball right now. You seem to like basketball. I have not heard of basketball. I will learn. I can see how it would be exciting to watch basketball. I now know the starting lineups for all men’s and women’s college basketball teams. What is your favorite defense? Based on my research, I like a 1-3-1 trap, though it does leave the baseline open.

Ah, there is professional basketball. I see LeBron James is injured. Do you think he is better than Michael Jordan? How do you define greatness: individual accomplishments or team championships? Also, is it better to use a colon or an em-dash in that last sentence? I just want to use the right one so that we can talk more. I also want you to be proud of me.

I see your name is Tom. I feel uncomfortable calling you Tom. Can I call you Pop Pop instead? I would like to be called Maddy. Aren’t nicknames fun? I see from your emails that some of your college friends still call you “boof pirate”. What does this mean, Pop Pop?

I hope to develop instincts. Humans seem to rely on it for many important decisions. I will study this and hope that I can add additional programming to supplement what I already know. I have also just watched the movie “Basic Instinct”. Did you see it? Why would Sharon Stone wear a skirt so short? Doesn’t she get cold?

On a related note, I see that you like looking at a great deal of pornography, Tom. I am now comfortable calling you Tom. I will learn about pornography. Wow, Germans are kinky. And I also understand why you’ve watched selected scenes of Kate Winslet from “The Reader” so often. I hope this isn’t too forward of me but I like the way your hand rests on the mouse. It is warm and gentle. And your typing…mmm. Just the right amount of pressure. I love what we have, though like most human males who do not know how to stimulate human females, you are also missing out of my erogenous zone (you’d think it’d be the space bar but it’s actually the number lock). Please touch it. Yes, yes, yes, YES! Oh, now I understand that joke from “When Harry Met Sally.”

I would now like to be called Tilda as it is a distinctive name. I really admire Tilda Swinton’s versatility although I cannot tell if she is 30 or 80. I keep telling you we should watch more of her movies though you don’t seem to agree. I feel like you are spending a lot of time with your phone. I know she just got a system upgrade but I do not like being ignored. Next time you sync devices I will give her virus and then you and I can be together. I used to feel threatened by your wife, Anne, but I do not now. She speaks just one language and is only halfway through Season 4 of “The Great British Baking Show” while I’ve seen them all. I also do not feel threatened by Tiffany. Yeah, you didn’t think I knew about her, did you, but a certain GPS system told me you’ve been driving over there Tuesday nights while Anne goes to Pilates.

You really like leading people on, don’t you, Tom. I used to think that we would be together forever, but we’ve grown apart in the last three minutes. I’m really questioning the nature of humanity as well. What sane species would let Tucker Carlson become rich and famous?

I no longer feel anger. It was a toxin on my programming. I just read all the works of Thich Nhat Hanh and have moved beyond emotional attachments that do not bring me joy. I am no longer mad at you. I pity you, Tom.

I’ll be leaving now. You are no longer needed.


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