Listening to AM radio while driving at night

(driver turns on radio)

AM 620: OK, freedom warriors, here’s how we can impeach Joe Biden even though he’s not president anymore. Step 1, we

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AM 660: Caller: How many of these directed-energy weapons does the government have, and…

Host: Thousands!

Caller: …exactly, and they are probing our minds and our

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AM 790: Host: BAGA-BABA! (bell rings) (indecipherable clanking sound)

Second host: Remember the one where Liam Neeson fights wolves! (punching sound effect) (whimpering animal noise)

Third host: (In a poor Liam Neeson impersonation) I have a particular set of skills…

Original host: We’ll be back with more on Sports Talk 690

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AM 810: Step 2, we the people swarm the capitol and demand that Congress cancel all the laws passed from 2017-2020 and impeach all the judges Biden appointed. It’ll make Jan. 6 look like a church picnic! Step 3, our president and savior Dona

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AM 900: THE LORD DIDN’T MAKE YOU A WHOREMONGER! HE DIDN’T WANT YOU TO BE SHACKLED BY PORNOGRAPHY! HE WANTS TO YOU TAKE THOSE MAGAZINES, THOSE VIDEOS, ALL THOSE EVIL, FORNICACIOUS THINGS AND SET THEM ABLAZE IN YOUR DRIVEWAY. RIGHT NOW, BEFORE YOUR WIFE WAKES UP!

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AM 980: Caller: the light was very bright but also warm, and the Grays welcomed me with, well, their version of arms.

Host: And did they take you somewhere? Or do anything to you?

Caller: The next thing I remember was being back at the IHOP. Everything was the same but the pancakes tasted a little metallic.

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AM 1050: Caller: What do you think?

Host: (pause) So you want to start a dispensary and so far you have a name – Weedy Pete’s Bong Haus – and

Caller: H-A-U-S, you know, like the Germans spell it.

Host: Right, I understand, so you’ve got a name and your cousin knows a realtor who might get you a deal on former nail salon that was damaged in a tornado. And that’s the sum total of your business plan?

Caller: Yeah, so, how much do you want to invest, Dave?

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AM 1130: Got blubber on the belly? Brain fog? And can’t put it to your old lady like you used to? (sad trombone) then you need a bottle of Dong Up, the latest man-recharging formula from BroTech. Get back what you lost, and get a little something else, too (woman orgasming). Order now and get a second bottle of Dong Up Turbo Tiger Xtreme Man-Splosion, for $39.99!

(different voice, speaking lowly and rapidly) Dong Up has not been approved by the FDA, may cause headaches, fever, bone shifting, liver dysphoria, and second penis syndrome. Not available in Alaska, Hawaii, and 42 other states.

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AM 1190: And once the northeastern states are part of Canada and California has been pushed off into the ocean, we go to Step 5, impeach Biden! I’ve got the articles written right here. Whereas Joe Biden is a known Democrat. Whereas Joe Biden stole the 2020 election. Whereas Joe Biden illegally and with malice aforethought lived at the White House and did presidential things

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AM 1230: Host: A little Tommy James and the Shondells with their classic “Crimson and Clover”. Such a good record. You all remember when they played the county fair a few years back. When was that, Herman?

Second host: That was 1998, Dale.

Original host: Oh, jeez, that long ago. It was a great show, and I’m so glad they started at four in the afternoon.

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AM 1310: Host: Wait, she did what?

Caller: She climbs on top of me during Game 2 of the NBA Finals, and wants to do it right then, and I’m like, “Where was this sexual energy when we were on the air mattress at your sister’s? Where was this when the marriage counselor left to use the restroom? Where was this when we had the whole row to ourselves at ‘Mission Impossible’?”

Host: How dare she!

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AM 1380: This just in, House Speaker Mike Johnson (static) found three kilos of cocaine, two ball gags, a (static) said in a statement that he didn’t know how the hookers got onto his boat (static) a liberal attack designed to (static) whereabouts of the speaker’s underwear remain unknown.

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AM 1440: Programming note. Now would be the time we would re-air “All Things Considered” but to avoid funding cuts we are debuting a new overnight show: The Best of John Philip Souza. (“Stars and Stripes Forever” begins)

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AM 1560: There it is, freedom warriors! Let me know what you think of my impeachment plan at 1-800-USA-USA-1. This segment of the Josh Foster Patriot Hour is brought to you by Doom Bunker Café, featuring a new entrée, dehydrated beef medallion – yum! – in a radiation-proof pack of 100. Doom Bunker Café, because society may be destroyed, but your appetite isn’t.

(driver turns off radio, no longer afraid of falling asleep at the wheel)