We are excited to announce our newest staff member, former (?) mercenary leader and eastern European internet influencer, Yevgeny Prigozhin. He’ll be working here at our offices in an undisclosed location starting today.
“This great opportunity for new career,” an eager and still-Kevlar-vested Prigozhin said. “I look forward to writing fun article about slice of life and not about military operations that are not war that I hear are very popular and justified.”
Prigozhin was introduced to the staff at a meeting Thursday morning during which he sat down at the desk of our graphic designer, Kyle Schwartz.
“This mine now. You move,” Prigozhin said with a dead-eyed stare we’re pretty sure is how Russians make new friends.
Our newest staffer will cover general assignment news and humor. It will not include, his well-armed associate explained, commenting on his recent multi-country road trip that culminated with a bird watching jaunt to Belarus.
“We see much geese and eagles in my rifle scope which is only used for the bird watching and not part of coup,” Prigozhin said.
Prigozhin also asked us to say that he has been in America all week and not returning to Russia to collect guns and money.
“I was here preparing for job with…what is name of this place…yes, this one. I also spent much time in gym getting, how you say in English, swole?” he said. “You can see photos on my Insta.”