Welcome to Your New Scrotum-Equipped Body

You’ve completed your gender transition and are now a man. Your doctor has explained the medical aspects of your new body, but this helpful brochure will educate you on the social aspects of your new life. Welcome to the team! Now that you are no longer a woman, I won’t have to explain things so often, but you do have much to learn. I’ll focus on the five most important topics:

Winning

Now that you’re a man, you’ll feel the need to win. A lot. Don’t question it. It could be included for free, like buckets of peanuts at nice restaurants, in our testosterone, or it could be driven by something from childhood. Maybe your dad never hugged you, or your mother hugged you too much, or maybe it was that time in algebra class when Mrs. Jones forced you to solve a problem on the board and initially you refused and everyone assumed it was because you didn’t know the answer, but you did know that X equaled 7 but you didn’t want to get up because you had a boner and the more she nagged you the worse it got and finally you gave in and everyone laughed, including Jessica Lynch who you were totally into but viciously chose not to date you because she was happier with another guy, and the rest of junior year you were known as “Lodgepole Williams” even by the freshman. That’s, of course, a hypothetical example.

Since you didn’t grow up a guy, you’ll have to pick your own origin story. It should be deeply important and contain the most-soul crushing emotion a person can feel: embarrassment. But you should reveal this story only in limited circumstances. A. Years into a relationship with a wife or girlfriend. B. Possibly to your pastor. C. Midway through a second bottle of peach schnapps. And if you want to cry, go ahead. Men not having feelings is such a hurtful stereotype.

Fireworks

Fireworks are awesome. They’re like guns that nobody gets uptight about. You’ll want to get yours from a pop-up tent, preferably one with a 20-foot inflatable lizard out front. Bypass the sparklers, Roman candles, and other amateurish stuff and head straight to the bottle rockets. My favorite are the Sky Shatterer and the Double Banger. Pro-tip: Practice a little before lighting one with an arc welder.

Clothing

Dude, you are not going to believe how easy it is. Who knows why women feel they have to put so much into their appearance, but now you are relieved of that burden. Your newfound free time can be spent telling people that Kevin Durant needs to demand the ball more or debating whether Cabela’s or Dick’s has a better selection of gun safes.

The biggest fashion worry you have now is which shoe company’s logo you want on your golf shirts (Nike if you want to blend in, Adidas if you’re edgy). Now, some men do put a lot of thought into how they dress. Be careful of them. Wearing a suit isn’t always a tell, I mean, you might be a banker or have some job where you have to wear one, but suits should only be worn under protest. You’ll want to say things like, “I guess I gotta dress up like a trained chimp” just before your sister’s wedding. But there are men who wear suits by choice, but they can be easy to expose. If you say, “Nice blue tie” and he responds, “Don’t remind me” then he’s good, but if he says, “Actually, it’s periwinkle” then you should never talk to that guy again.

Also, don’t wear cargo shorts to a funeral, but they’re OK for a visitation.

And don’t rush into wearing your ballcap backwards. Try it out, at home, first. Get used to the feel of it and when you think you’re ready to wear it in public, do it on a weekend run to the store where you can plausibly claim that you hadn’t showered and just wanted to cover your dirty hair. NOTE: Only wear a backwards cap if you are under 30. Believe me, the snickering stings for us older guys.

Jokes

People are now required to laugh at your jokes. Say you’ve put on a little weight and your buddies are busting your chops. Just tap your slouching belly and say “Just building a shed for my tool!” Or if one of your friends bought a new truck, you can say “Chevy is great…for a woman!” See, that’s funny because women don’t drive trucks. That reminds me, never be afraid to explain a joke.

Football

You will now understand how fantastic football is. In the fall you can spend Friday following high school games – be sure to say how the game helps build future leaders – all day Saturday watching college games (My personal record is 13 games, using all four of my televisions; started with New Hampshire against somebody at 10 a.m. and ended with Hawaii playing Azusa Pacific at 2 a.m.) and then, yes, Sunday NFL – the holiest of days.

Key phrases to memorize: “Man, (insert quarterback name here) can really find the seams in that zone”, “Left tackle: most undervalued position in sports” and “BAZZZZINGA!” Barking noises, though, are very 1990s. We’re better than that.

Note: If you like suffering, root for the New York Jets.

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