We here at MikeMalloyWriter are excited to celebrate the third anniversary of our world premiere on July 12, 2020.
Previously we’ve celebrated with a birthday theme but this year we’re switching it up because we just learned that Year Three is the leather anniversary. This appears to be legitimate and not a marketing campaign by the gimp mask industry. But beyond the various rectal-related garments, there are many non-deviant leather items you can purchase for that special occasion. Here’s our list of our favorite. Not saying you have to get one for us, loyal reader, but, you know…
1. Leather awl created by Ernst Schloten of Bonn, Germany. This is not an awl that is used on leather but one actually made of leather. It doesn’t really punch holes like an awl should but if you’d like something dull to mush against another surface, this is a good bet. It also comes in a handy carrying case made of lederhosen. The Bonn Convention and Visitors Bureau commissioned 10,000 of these in 1988, and still has 9,956, so order yours today!
2. Fake anaconda. Want to give your spouse, pets, or addled grandmother a fright? Consider 20-feet of coiled black “sleather” complete with red eyes and retractable fangs. Also can be used as a therapy animal on Spirit Airlines.
3. Voice-activated Alexa holder. If you’d like to talk to Alexa but you think she’s
getting too clingy, you can talk to the holder and it will relay your message. It’s called “Alixa” just to avoid confusion.
4. Sweeney Todd inspired apron. Wanna be the demon barber of whatever street? Now you can! (Note: murder weapons not included)
5. Monogrammed whiskey tumblers and matching coasters. If you’ve always been a pretentious fuck but couldn’t figure out how to express it, wait no more! Comes in a set of four, though you’ll probably only need one.
6. Cheese grater. When your friends ask you if it works you can say, “What if the cow was murdered before its milk could be turned into cheese?” Then spend the rest of the dinner party discussing.
7. Toilet seat. Perfect for the couple who are curious about what leather would feel like against their ass but can’t commit to the pants. Also guaranteed not to be a point of contention about who gets it in the divorce.
8. Another fake anaconda. When your furious spouse put the first one in the garbage, you’ll have another thing coming for them. Available in black, brown, or chartreuse.