Boston—No person was elected to the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame Tuesday, and no creature either. The legendary Wally the Green Monster – the love child of a yeti and a pipe cleaner – was excluded once again.
Watching the announcement from his home inside Fenway Park’s fabled left field wall, the mute Wally put his green hands on his Nerfy face and then made several exaggerated arm motions seeming to signal disappointment.
“Despite today’s snub, Wally remains the greatest mascot in baseball,” a statement issued by the Red Sox said. “We wouldn’t trade him for the world…well, OK, we’d trade him to get back Mookie Betts, and if Mike Trout or Bryce Harper were on the table we’d listen, but other than that, wouldn’t trade him for the world!”
Wally has been delighting children and some stoned adults since he debuted in 1997. According to lore, Wally lived as a hermit inside the Green Monster beginning with its debut in 1947. He overcame loneliness and a brief bout of alcoholism after Bill Buckner’s error in the 1986 World Series to emerge a stronger, healthier mascot on Opening Day in 1997. Since then he’s been entertaining fans with, you know, the things mascots do like silly walks and such.
Also snubbed Tuesday were six-time All-Star Curt Schilling, who blamed his exclusion on the same deep-state actors who stole the presidency from Donald Trump; Michael Jordan, who was named on zero ballots despite almost hitting a curveball that one time while a member of the Birmingham Barons; and Barry Bonds, not for steroid use but just because he was such a sour jackass his entire career.
But perhaps nobody had a rougher Tuesday than Earl Nobody, a former third baseman for the Phillies. He hit .211 with two home runs and nine errors in 1962 – his only Major League season – but friends and family began sending him congratulations upon seeing the headline “Nobody elected to Hall of Fame”. The now-83-year-old is rated as the sixth-best prospect in the Marlins minor league system.