By MMW Senior Conspiracy Correspondent, Ron Redacted
Astute Americans have read about the recent, totally legitimate, reporting on the National Football League’s efforts to have Kansas City win the Super Bowl thereby promoting Taylor Swift and her significant other, Kansas City tight end Travis Kelce. When I tell people about this, I get questions like, “Huh?”, “Really?” and “Don’t you remember that the judge told you not to call me anymore, Ron?” Allow me to explain.
It’s no secret that Swift and Kelce are huge lefties, and what better way to tip the scales in the upcoming presidential election than to replace the traditional “I’m going to Disney World” postgame pronouncement than with the couple, harmonizing, “We’re voting for Biden!”
I know what you may be thinking, Ronnie, why couldn’t Swift and Kelce just endorse Biden without winning the Super Bowl? To that I say, don’t call me Ronnie, only my mother can do that. Also, it’s clear that Swift isn’t nearly popular enough to affect the election on her own. No, she can only become a super star if her boyfriend wins an athletic contest. It’s just like most people hadn’t heard of Beyonce until Jay-Z until he won that gold medal in dressage.
Plus, delivering a win to Kansas City could help the Democrats in the swing states of Kansas and Missouri.
But you don’t have to take my word for it, just look to other examples from history of when the deep state rigged the Super Bowl:
· 2021, weeks after being sworn in, Joe Biden orchestrates Tampa Bay’s upset of Kansas City. It gave then-43-year-old Tom Brady another championship, assuring the nation that old guys can still lead.
· 2013, a mysterious power outage at the Superdome in New Orleans delays Super Bowl 47. Just another way to distract the nation from Barack Obama’s failures of expanding health care access and putting women on the Supreme Court.
· 2007, Lovie Smith of the Chicago Bears and Tony Dungy of the Indianapolis Colts become the first two African American head coaches to reach the Super Bowl, causing America to say, “I bet a Black man would be good at running the country, too!” Allowing this to happen remains the biggest failure of Dick Cheney’s…I mean, George W Bush’s presidency.
· 2001, in another case of a pop star influencing politics, Britney Spears stops her halftime performance to announce, “I believe the Supreme Court exceeded its mandate in Bush v Gore and I call upon my legion of fans to march on capitol hill until the recount is resumed!” Fortunately, a quick-thinking producer cut to a commercial of frogs saying “Budweiser” and the country was saved.
· 1995, San Francisco and San Diego play for the championship, and ever since California has been solidly blue.
· 1992, The Washington (expletive deleted) defeat…I said the Washington (expletive deleted). Hey stop that! The team’s mascot was (expletive deleted). HELP! I’M TRYING TO PROVE HOW BILL CLINTON KILLED VINCE FOSTER DURING THE SUPER BOWL WHILE EVERYONE WAS DISTRACTED BY THE (expletive deleted) WINNING. DAMMIT!
· 1985, San Fransico routs Miami. This wasn’t a conspiracy, I just always liked Joe Montana because he went to Catholic school.
· 1980, hoping it would help him in Ohio and Michigan, President Jimmy Carter calls NFL commissioner Pete Rozelle to tell him, “Make sure Cleveland and Detroit play in the Super Bowl” but the answering machine tape in Rozelle’s office was old and the garbled message sounded like “Make sure Cleveland and Detroit never play in the Super Bowl.”
· 1921, in a late-night meeting at the White House, outgoing president Woodrow Wilson and his advisers lament that future presidents probably won’t have a world war to rally citizens and keep them seeing the corruption right in front of their eyes. “What if we had some contest that wasn’t a war, but it was like combat, a little violent, and it would pit, I don’t know, states against states,” Wilson said.
“Or cities against cities,” then Secretary of State Robert Lansing said. “And if they ever repeal prohibition, I bet it could be used to sell a lot of beer.”
And later that year, the NFL was created.