Unused question from the KBJ hearings

WASHINGTON DC—On the final day of Supreme Court hearings for Judge Kentaji Brown Jackson, a MMW News Service reporter, posing as a janitor, found notes from some of the senators on the Judiciary Committee in the garbage. Along with an alarming number of Hot Pocket wrappers, here’s the unused questions she found:


From Josh Hawley, R-Missouri:

· Have you been a Black judge your whole life or did you become one now the woke left is in power?


· Can you confirm that Donald Trump didn’t not win the 2020 election? (If she pauses to parse the meaning of that sentence, make sure to point that she hesitated in her answer on Fox News)


· Child pornography is sick and wrong and I’m shocked you handed out such light sentences to these perverts. Pornography should show consenting adults and be used by adults, say, something a couple might do 10 years into a marriage when they stop having sex and their counselor tells them that watching “Red Shoe Diaries” on Cinemax while in bed is a perfectly fine way to get the juices flowing, but then your wife says “How do I know you’re thinking about me and not that blond with the fake tits on screen?” and then you say to her “How do I know you’re not thinking about that chiseled guy named Bronco who was boning that blond whose breast I thought looked real, or worse, Brad from the office? You two seem to be spending a lot of time together!” And then she says “Brad and are working on a project, and he’s just a co-worker, and besides, he remembered my birthday unlike someone I know!” And then you’re like “Dammit, I apologized for that and I had important committee hearings that week,” but then she gets up and goes to the guest bedroom and the problem is worse than before. So what I’m asking is, your honor, which one of us is right in this entirely hypothetical example?


From Ted Cruz, R-Texas:

· ken-TAA-gee. Does that name have a special meaning where you come from?


· We know you support Critical Race Theory, but do you support Really Critical Race Theory, which says that people of color can legally throw garbage at Whites and spray paint “SHAME” on their houses?


· In regards to Roe V Wade, I’m wondering if you define abortion as murder or capital murder? Also, whatever your answer is it will be used in a fundraising email I’ll be sending out shortly.


From Charles Grassley, R-Iowa:

· (name of testifier) I’m going to tell you the same thing I tell all the people who’ve appeared before this committee in all the years I’ve been in the Senate – if I doze off, it’s not that I’m uninterested in your testimony it’s that I’m only able to stay awake for three hours a day because I’m 157 years old. And word to the wise, if you find yourself falling asleep, just tighten up all the muscles in one foot, hold for a couple seconds, then do the other foot. It also has the benefit of loosening up jelly-like blood from your extremities if you suffer from that problem like I do.


From Lindsey Graham, R-South Carolina:

· Listen here, I’m going to be coming down on you like a ton of bricks because I’m still angry about how other nominees have been treated by this committee and I assume you can handle that because as a woman you’ve no doubt been expected to defend the behavior of others, right?


· If George Soros were actually a Satanic sex trafficker, surely you’d convict him? (If she refuses to answer a hypothetical, yell ‘ANSWER THE QUESTION’!)


From Richard Durbin, D-Illinois:

· Thank you, Judge Brown Jackson, for coming today, and I want to compliment my Republican colleagues for asking fair, honest questions and not turning this into a grievance-filled sideshow. (reporter’s note: this document appeared to be wadded, stomped on, and stabbed with a pen)

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