With Jared Kushner posing as Joe Biden and Ivanka Trump as debate moderator, President Donald Trump prepared for his debate tonight with the former vice president. MMW News Network has obtained a transcript of the proceedings.
Ivanka Trump: Ready guys? Let’s try to do this for real, no breaks, just like an actual debate. Remember there’s no handshake at the beginning, you’ll just…
Donald Trump: You know the only reason he doesn’t want to shake hands is because I’d get close enough to him to see that he’s on drugs. I can tell, you know. When I owned the New Jersey Generals, which was the best franchise in the USFL, a league that totally would have brought down the NFL if the other owners would have let me in from the beginning – it’s the only reason it failed – I’d go to the locker room and I’d talk to guys and I could tell. Now, my good friend Hershel Walker, who’s black by the way, he was legit, but there was this other guy, I don’t remember his name; huge, strong guy, and I could tell he was on the juice because I said to him, “Hey, buddy, let me see your balls” because, and a lot of people don’t know this, the juice, it shrinks your balls. Turns your grapes to raisins as I like to say! And he refused and that’s when I knew he was hiding something because when you’re a star they let you do it, so I tell him…
IT: Dad.
DT: … “What are you hiding? You afraid your…”
IT: Dad.
DT: …is smaller than mine?” And he says…
IT: DAD! We need to focus. The debate is in two days. We need to practice like this is the real thing.
DT: I’m just saying I can tell when someone is on drugs, that’s all.
IT: OK, opening statement is one minute. Alright, honey, you can start.
DT: Thanks, darling. You look great, by the way…
IT: I meant my husband.
DT: Oh.
Jared Kushner: You’re right, Mr. President, she does look great today. Is it OK if I start? (clears throat) I’m Joe Biden and I’m here to bring socialism to America, get rid of the cops, and bring in all sorts of illegal immigrants to live next door to you. Me and Kamala are going to turn the suburbs into the ghetto. I also know Barack Hussein Obama and I like to ride the train.
DT: Train? What’s that?
IT: OK, dad, you can’t interrupt the opening statement. Again, we’re trying to do this for real.
DT: I just want to know what the train is?
IT: It’s something poor people use to get to work. It’s like a really big car with a bunch of people in it, all going to the same place.
DT: Sounds dirty.
JK: It is, Mr. President. Another astute observation.
DT: Thank you.
JK: Is it OK if I call you dad, too?
DT: Jared, we’ve discussed this.
(10 seconds of silence)
IT: OK, let’s say that was the end of Biden’s opening statement. Dad, it’s your turn.
DT: My fellow Americans, we’ve been through a lot in the last four years – a phony Russia investigation, a phony impeachment, and now the China virus which never would have happened if Barack Obama would have been paying attention. But despite the best efforts of Democrat, socialist, bad people trying to tear us down, we’ve just gotten stronger. We’ve created 100 billion jobs, and we’ve completed the wall. In fact, we have some left over so we’re going to build one between us and Canada just so their socialist medicine doesn’t get through. You need me for another four years, or maybe more, so we can save this country from Sleepy Joe.
IT: That was good. Alright, now first question is to you, Mr. President. The New York Times recently published a story claiming that you paid little to no income tax in the past 15 years and used a lot of questionable write-offs to avoid taxes and garner huge refunds. How do you explain this to the American people?
DT: Sweetie, you think Chris Wallace will ask that? It’s so mean.
IT: I’m sure he will ask some form of that question.
DT: It’s just such a nasty question. What if I just say it’s all fake news and then start talking about how the New York Times ought to investigate how hundreds of dogs and cats are voting in North Carolina.
IT: Dad, I…I just think you need to have a little stronger answer to the tax stuff.
DT: I’m telling you, there are dogs and cats voting in North Carolina. I saw a picture of Maine Coon, who you can just tell is in Antifa, filling in the oval for Biden. Cats have always been against me…
JK: Yeah, cats are gross!
DT: Marla wanted to get a cat once, and I said, no. I don’t trust any animal that has to poop in a box. Either use a toilet or go outside, like me. There was this one time I was at Bill Cosby’s house – great guy, terrible what they did to him – and we went for a hike and I needed to go but we were miles away from the house…
IT: Wait, wait. You’re off track again. Alright, from now on I’m going to pretend to be the debate moderator. Just pretend I’m Chris Wallace. Mr. President, the question is about your tax returns. Please respond.
DT: I can’t believe you’d ask that question! It’s all fake news! What about the dogs and cats!
IT: (pinching the bridge of her nose) Alright, let’s go to Mr. Biden for a rebuttal.
JK: Well, Chris (winking), I really was interested in that great story the president was telling about hiking with Bill Cosby (switches to Fat Albert voice) hey, hey, hey, it’s the greatest president ever!
IT: Right. Let’s go onto the economy. Mr. Biden, how would you bring down unemployment?
JK: Sorry, I’m nervous, standing next to such a great man. I’ve never done this before.
IT: (slamming desk with her hand) Mr. Biden! Is that really what you would say in a real debate?
DT: I think that’s exactly what he’d say. He’s going to be intimidated just like Kim Jong Un was because he’s so small. Still, he’s a good guy. We had this delicious piece of chocolate cake, greatest cake you’ve ever seen. The kind of cake you could only get from Grub Hub. Avoid the lines, the kitchen, and the Covid with Grub Hub.
IT: What?
DT: I signed an endorsement deal with Grub Hub. I wrote it down so I won’t forget. (holds up piece of paper) I got it right here. Things to remember: 1. Joe’s on drugs. 2. Grub Hub. 3. Hunter’s a crook. 4. Cofevfe. Dammit, that keeps happening.
IT: Mr. President the question was about…what was the question?
JK: I sure wish I could make a great list like that.
IT: Unemployment! The question is unemployment.
DT: (draws a letter “Q” in the air and nods)
IT: What was that?
DT: They’ll know.
IT: Who?
DT: I think that about covers it. (shouting) Someone get me a Diet Coke and a chicken bucket (walks away).
IT: Wait, we haven’t talked about Covid, or the wildfires, or the deficit, or education, or the environment (sighing) and he’s gone.
JK: We’re screwed aren’t we?
IT: Yup.
JK: You still planning to vote for Biden?
IT: Yeah. You?
JK: Yes. You think we can get jobs with him?
IT: I’ll make some phone calls.