To the person who put the dildo in my Little Free Library

Consider this an open letter to the person who sullied my Little Free Library (it is capitalized because it is a proper noun). You have left me no choice but to write this to tell you that I do not appreciate the placement of unauthorized items into my Little Free Library. Granted, I initially put up a sign that encouraged people to “take a book, leave a book” but at no point did I imply that I was interested in receiving anything other than books, especially deviant sex implements of unknown origin.


Actually, the sign came with the box. I intended to display a different sign that told people they had to return the books within three weeks but my granddaughter told me that wasn’t in keeping with the spirit of a Little Free Library.


“It’s on the honor system, gramps,” she said. “And besides, if they keep the book is that so bad?”


She’s got a lot of growing up to do.


I think that of all young people, in fact, that’s why I filled this box with books that will inspire youngsters to grow and learn, such as, Mitt Romney’s “No Apologies: The Case for American Greatness”, “The Purpose Driven Life”, “The One-Minute Manager”, Jack Nicklaus’ “Golf My Way”, “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, and, because I think travel is important to a well-rounded life, a 2014 Fodor’s guide to Tallahassee (with gently used map).


I considered adding my original copy of “The Art of the Deal” but I thought maybe it was too soon.


But clearly I have bigger concerns knowing that such a randy pervert is interfering with my attempts to educate our youth.


Even worse, Millie from next door saw me disposing of the extremely veiny, cartoonishly long, faux penis that I have since learned, after an Internet search, is referred to as a “double donger.” How would it even fit? Not only was I disgusted by the images I saw, but I then realized that now Google, Microsoft, the government, and God knows who else has a record of me searching for “dill doe”, which I did because I was uncertain how it should be spelled and I didn’t want to come off like a fool in this letter.


I took the “item” to the dumpster behind the A&P because I didn’t want the garbage man to think that Janice or I would have any reason to have engaged in such vulgar behavior.


So, to whomever thought it would be so hysterical to do what you did, be advised that you are on notice. The next time you have such craven impulses, think of the children.

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