MMW News Service introduces News in Brief for readers with a short atten...
Texas woman scams free trip
Odessa—Meredith Simpson could never afford to travel until now. The 31-year-old food service worker at Odessa North High School visited Martha’s Vineyard this weekend after emailing Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis’ office, claiming to be a migrant.
DeSantis recently began paying for undocumented immigrants in Texas to fly to sanctuary cities in the United States because, you know, border crisis n stuff.
“My boss, Maria, has been teaching me enough Espanol that I could write an email to the governor’s office,” Simpson said. “The next day, I met a guy named Robo – which I’m pretty sure was fake – in the parking lot of the Beers N Boots on 48th St. He looked me up and down since I’m white and have red hair, but I just kept saying, ‘Donde esta el aeropuerto?’ and he shrugged his shoulders and let me in the van. Six hours later, I was in Martha’s Vineyard drinking a cosmo!”
Simpson hopes DeSantis is reelected this fall so she can make trips to San Francisco and Seattle next year.
Sean Hannity decries Biden’s attack on defenseless asteroid
Fox News commentator Sean Hannity began his Monday show with a 12-minute screed against President Joe Biden’s unprovoked attack on the peaceful asteroid Dimorphos.
“So-called President Biden dragged the United States into what no doubt will be a protracted conflict with asteroids. Clearly, the Democrats will do anything to distract from their miserable failures, like rising inflation, forcing children to learn critical race theory, and their inability to bring ‘Bing Bang Theory’ back to television…I miss Sheldon, Penny and the whole gang so much,” Hannity said before pausing to dab away a tear.
Hannity dedicated the rest of the A-Block to contrasting how President Trump created Space Force for entirely peaceful purposes – “That’s why the word ‘force’ is in there” – before ending on an ominous note.
“If he’ll do it to a hunk of rock, he’ll do it to you and your family,” Hannity said.
Omaha man sues bathroom wall sex requester for breach of contract
Omaha—Alvin Anderson, 32, thought he was going to have the luck of the Irish Sunday afternoon but instead his pot ‘o gold turned to stone.
Anderson had spotted an advertisement, of sorts, on the wall of the public restroom in the city’s Old Market district. Right below the classic poem “Here I sit all broken hearted…” and above the warning scrawled on the bottom of the stall door “watch out for limbo dancers” was an offer:
I’ve always wanted to blow a leprechaun. Meet me here at 3 p.m. Sunday. Must be in costume.
“I was there for three hours and all I got were fearful looks from poopers,” Anderson said. “This guy made me look like a fool!”
Anderson’s suit demands $10,000 for emotional suffering, $50 to cover the costume rental, and $30 for the anal beads he’d bought just for the occasion.
“Those aren’t returnable!” he said.