Elon Musk sad about not ruining more lives

Friends of the former head of the Department of Government Efficiency and current billionaire douche, Elon Musk, report that he has been despondent since leaving government, no longer able to reign in terror over people’s lives.

“He sent us all an email, demanding a detailed accounting of what we’d done the past two weeks,” a senior manager with Tesla said, speaking on condition of anonymity. “We all told him that it would take time away from our jobs and that would cause a production slow down. I saw this look in his eye – one I’d never seen before – that it occurred to him that doing such a thing had consequences, and this time the consequences affected him.”

Another Tesla executive said that Musk did not attend the opening of a new plant in Akron last month – believed to be the first time he’d missed such an event since taking over the electric car manufacturer.

“He used to love those things,” the executive said. “He’s always put on a hard hat and said, ‘Do I get to play with one of those things that goes (makes drill sound)?’ And I’d say ‘yes’ and his eyes would widen. But this time, I walked into his office – he was alone with the lights off – and I told him the jet was ready to go; he just shook his head and kept eating pimento spread out of a jar with a butter knife. And he doesn’t even like pimento spread.”

During a recent round of golf, a member of the foursome and owner of the private club, said he showed Musk a video on X that had garnered more than a billion retweets in three hours.

“It was an AI-generated clip of a house cat wearing a sombrero and saying ‘I’m walkin’ here’ – you know that line from Midnight Cowboy. I laughed, but Elon just sighed, then he asked if he could fire the bar cart girl. I told him couldn’t because she works hard and needs this job to pay for college. We played the rest of the round in silence.”

But the worst seems to have happened last week with the passage of the One Big Beautiful Bill. According to the Congressional Budget Office, approximately 13 million Americans will lose their health insurance over the next 10 years because of the bill’s provisions.

“That could have been me,” Musk told a close confidant.