MMW News Service is excited to bring you wall-to-wall coverage of the 2024 Iowa Caucuses. Our team is out in the field and will be filing reports as the night goes on:
Emma and Irv’s house, Clarion
Emma and Irv Vander Schloten opened their home, as they have the past 36 years, to caucus goers. The split-level four-bedroom house – listed on the National Register of OK Places – was transformed into a voting precinct with Emma wearing the “I Like Ike” t-shirt her grandfather passed on to her and Irv breaking out his dress coveralls.
Before voting, everyone enjoyed Emma’s famous turkey tetrazzini and marshmallow fluff salad.
“I’m surprised Comrade Biden hasn’t forced us to all eat vegetables,” Roy Orlean said to uproarious laughter.
Emma and Irv had planned on there being 10 voters but Dale Johnson was unexpectedly late. He knocked on the door at 7:03 p.m., past the cutoff time of 7 p.m.
“The state party said lock the doors at 7,” Emma said. “That’s what I done.”
Johnson, appearing through the picture window, shouted that he was late because the roads from his farm were icy and that he nearly skidded into the ditch twice.
“Rules are rules,” Irv said, shrugging his shoulders.
Knights of Columbus Lodge, Sheldon
Twenty-six people and one golden labradoodle named Reagan – owner Randy Jacobson said Reagan has been to the past four caucuses but feared she would miss this one owing to a recent case of the croup – braved the elements to reach their caucus site in this small northwest Iowa hamlet.
“She wouldn’t miss this for the world, isn’t that right Rea Rea,” Jacobson said while the dog arfed/coughed. “She once shook paws with Sean Hannity!”
During the state platform debate, two resolutions were adopted: A. No taxes shall ever be raised for any reason. B. The name of the establishment hosting the caucus would never be changed to “Knights of Indigenous Peoples Day or any other woke (expletive deleted).”
Vote count: Trump 21, Desantis 3, Haley 2. Note: One write-in vote for Reagan was canceled after the dog urinated on the wood paneling.
Polk County Convention Center, Des Moines
About 400 voters, some of whom were wearing hats and dark glasses while others hid their faces from TV cameras, turned out in the state’s capital.
“I was proud to vote for the Bushes, John McCain, even Mitt Romney, but now we’ve got to pick from this sorry lot,” said an unidentified man in a ski mask. “Honestly, I was planning on wearing this even if it wasn’t cold.”
Sandy Jones delivered the nominating speech for Gov. Nikki Haley.
“She’s been a governor, she’s been an ambassador, and she’s had 91 fewer felony counts than you-know-who,” Haley said as a few boos broke out among a group of red hat wearers.
Chuck Dunson delivered the nominating speech for the former president.
“Now I know what all of you are going to say. You hoped Trump would change after he said McCain wasn’t a war hero, or after he said that judge was bias because he was Mexican, or after he said Ted Cruz’ wife was ugly, or after the Access Hollywood tape, or after he said there were good people on both sides in Charlottesville, or after he shook down the president of Ukraine, or after the first impeachment, or after…”
We interrupt this report to take you back to Emma and Irv’s in Clarion
Farmer Dale Johnson’s truck would not start and he has been outside in -11 temperatures for about 30 minutes. Shouting through the picture window he said he can no longer feel his face or hands.
“We’ll let you in when we’re done, Dale,” Emma shouted back. “We gotta finish this
debate on bringing back the Pledge of Allegiance in our schools. The sticking point is whether we let trans kids participate.”
“I’m g-g-g-g-g-g-glad someone brought it up,” Johnson replied.
Now back to Des Moines
“…or after he altered that weather map with a Sharpie, or after January 6th, or after the
second impeachment, or after he asked that guy in Georgia to find him 11,000 votes, or after he called the press the enemy of the state, or after he said Mexican immigrants were rapists, but, guys, I really, really feel like if we give him another chance he’ll change.”
Some in the room applauded, others shouted “Why does he need to change?” and several utilized the barf bags the convention center was kind enough to provide.
Vote count: Haley 157, Trump 152, Desantis, 101, God Help Us 35.
Note: Moments after the vote was announced, Trump said on Truth Social that the results were a lie and that the convention center had bussed in dozens of lefties from San Francisco to vote for “Tricky Nikki”.
Hamburg Inn No. 2, Iowa City
Janet Plotz, the last remaining Republican in Iowa City, brought her own red balloons to the historic restaurant, and optimistically reserved a corner table that seated eight. She sat alone for a half-hour, her hopes briefly raising when a man walked up to her, only to come crashing down again when he said, “You mind if I grab this chair?”
“I just don’t get it,” Plotz said. “Why isn’t our message of small government – except when it comes to abortion, gay marriage, trans rights, policing, military spending, the death penalty, school curriculum, and voting – isn’t breaking through.”
Vote count: Desantis 1, the bottomless basket of fries Plotz’ ordered 0.
Iowa Democratic Headquarters, Des Moines
The party announced early Monday that they have finally determined a winner of the 2020 caucus.
“It terms of actual votes, the winner was Bernie Sanders,” party spokesperson Melinda Peterson-Petersen said. “If we’re talking state-delegate equivalents, then Pete Buttigieg won, or if you want to know who received the most votes on the first round of balloting, then it was Lyndon Johnson. Wait, that can’t… oh poops.”
Ottumwa High School, Ottumwa
Roughly 300 voters filed into Ottumwa’s new high school. They were originally instructed to check-in at the school’s cafeteria before fanning out to other rooms but at the last minute, people were routed to the auditorium where they were treated to the school’s production of “The Music Man.”
“I don’t know where all those bogus flyers came from,” principal Ramona Shell said. “But whoever did must be a real nasty woman (chuckle). And at five bucks a pop we helped pay for the auditorium’s new seat cushions.”
Vote count: Official votes: none. Unofficial votes: Marian the Librarian was the runaway winner though “Pick-A-Little, Talk-A-Little” came in a surprising second. After a disappointing third-place finish, Harold Hill dropped out.
**
The final results are in, and the Associated Press is declaring Donald Trump the winner. That’s all for our…wait, I’m being told we have an update on the situation at Emma and Irv's.
Mason City General Hospital, Mason City
Clarion farmer Dale Johnson, after being outside in sub-zero weather for an hour, passed out. Luckily, Emma was able to heat up a bean bag in the microwave and place it on Johnson’s blackening face, and Irv used the helicopter he had in the pole shed to fly Johnson to a hospital in nearby Mason City. Doctors expect Johnson to make a full recovery, but he did have two toes amputated.
“Oh, it’s OK, I wasn’t usin’ em anyway,” Johnson said. “I’m just disappointed I didn’t get to vote for that young fella with the funny name. How’d he do?”
Vote count: Trump 7, Desantis 2, Vivek Ramaswamy (almost) 1.