By “Dollar” Duane Fitzsimmons
Howdy, friends, Dollar Duane from Dollar Duane’s Deal Town here. Thought I should come clean and tell everybody that it looks like them weather balloons that got shot down by our boys in uniform were mine. Yeah, it’s true.
Now, before you get undies in a wad, let me explain. Some time back I bought these big balloons from a picker who’d just come from this estate sale for some guy named “Hair Zeppelin” and the guy – the picker not the dead dude – unloads a semi full of balloons, motors included. I gave him 400 cash, legal papers signed by Ken Griffey Jr. from when he bought a Fuddruckers, every edition of The Saturday Evening Post from 1975-77, and a suitcase made out of the albino python Britney Spears had at that awards show.
I kept ‘em in the back lot in a trailer along with about 100 wigs that I got, a couple of which belonged to Phyllis Diller. I’d actually forgot about them until a couple days ago when a Phyllis Diller impersonator come by the store and asked me if I could finish his get-up, so I open the trailer and most of the wigs were still there – a couple had been carried off by a condor to use as a nest – but then it struck me: no balloons!
So I went back and looked at the security tape, and sure enough, about a month ago some fellas hopped the fence, ran by my guard dog – it’s actually a taxidermied chocolate lab I rigged up with an iPod that plays growling noises – and took the balloons.
I got a good look at the getaway car and my buddy who is a cop tracked 'em down. He owed me a favor on account of that time I donated that amphibious tank from the Peruvian Army. Don’t ask me how I got it. Anyway, I feel pretty sure them guys that stole the balloons were from Russia or Iran or whatever – I don’t follow the news much – and that’s why you might find a “Dollar Duane” sticker among the wreckage.
That’s what happened. It wasn’t because my brother Randy wanted to fly one over the high school in the next town over pulling a banner that reads “you suck” and lost control of it, and it definitely was not because I thought I could spy on my rival, Arnold’s Big Lot of Junk n Stuff, by flyin’ in real low without him hearing me only to learn that weather balloons are hard to control and if you don’t know what you’re doing then it’ll keep going higher and higher until you jump out using a Dollar General shopping bag as a makeshift parachute.
Nah, it wasn’t nothin’ like that. It was for sure spies.
Editor’s note: Duane Fitzsimmons is a longtime advertiser with MMW News Service, and he gave us a great deal on our printing press which he said was used to publish the original Gutenberg Bible.