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Skittles now have personalities

Wrigley announced Friday that its iconic brand of round candies, Skittles, will now have unique personalities. In an effort to keep up with M&Ms, the colorful bits will be anthropomorphized to better reflect society.

“We believe this will offer our loyal fans a new and exciting way to engage with our brand identity,” Wrigley marketing director Evan Wilson said. “But we’re going to do it a little differently than M&Ms. We’re going for a grittier, down-to-earth approach to better mirror what people are experiencing in 2022.”

Here are the new personalities:

Though highly successful, Orange is often sad. He makes a lot of money as the marketing director for a Fortune 500 company but it still feels like something is missing. He oversees a product that essentially sells itself. All the real work was done by people who came before him. He can’t shake the feeling that if he didn’t exist, few would notice. How can he fill this void? Philanthropy? A deeper connection with his kids? Maybe a boat?

Red takes life one glorious day at a time and is always on the go with an ever-present smile. She lives every moment to the fullest because, as she likes to say, “You never know when you’ll be scooped, chewed, swallowed, and immediately forgotten.”

A respected lawyer, Yellow is rising star. He was recently named partner at Gray, Dark Gray, and Off-Gray Law Firm after successfully winning a case before the New York Supreme Court. He’s the president of his local Rotary Club, has won his country club’s annual men’s golf tournament three times, and was named Citizen of the Year by his hometown newspaper. He’s also the Zodiac Killer, and really wants to keep that under wraps.

Few Skittles have had a life as rough as Purple. She’s in her sixth trip to rehab, this one for a sex addiction she’s had ever since she dropped out of school and started running around with chlamydia-laden Mike and Ikes. She knew she’d hit rock bottom when she woke up in a windowless Ford Taurus, covered in powdered sugar, and lying next to a stick of Bazooka Joe. Random hook-ups were her way of replacing the rush she used to feel when she’d snort crushed Pop Rocks behind the Winn Dixie where she was night manager. She got fired from that job after management found her stealing cases of Tic Tacs that she’d sell to unsuspecting customers; she’d tell middle school kids they were Adderall and old men they were Viagra. Her red and blue parents feel deep shame, and often regret not disciplining her more as a child, especially that time she jacked a cement mixer from a construction site and spilled its contents on cars driving along I-95 before crashing it into a Culver’s. Seven people were injured and 137 butter burgers had to be put down.

Green is the assistant director of a nonprofit that helps children with disabilities, a job she finds very rewarding. She’s current on her mortgage, reads two books a month, recently took a cake decoration class, and has a healthy and loving relationship with her husband and daughter. The other Skittles all hate her.

And the newest Skittles, White. He refused colorization because it is unnatural and conflicts with his beliefs. White also feels “Taste the Rainbow” is a way to indoctrinate kids into a perverted lifestyle. His hobbies include banning books and complaining about cancel culture. He also tastes like shit.


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