Washington DC—In a surprise move Thursday, senators passed a tax on erections by a narrow margin. The measure now goes to the House.
The legislation was one of many proposed to finance the expected wave of adoptions following the Supreme Court’s overturning of Roe v Wade, which will allow states to restrict, or eliminated entirely, access to abortions. The bill, introduced by Washington Democrat Maria Cantwell, passed 56-44.
“I was at a rally the other day and I saw a woman holding a sign that read ‘regulate your dick’, and I thought, hmmm,” Cantwell said. “I honestly didn’t expect it to go anywhere but the negotiations went well.”
Cantwell lauded the work of Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) for his willingness to talk.
“Honestly, most of us are so old it isn’t a problem” Grassley, who will turn 950 in September, said.
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) was asked about his ‘yes’ vote – his first ever on a bill that would raise taxes.
“I get a little tired of my male staffers talking about all the sex they’re having, then they look at me like I need a refresher course in the terminology,” McConnell said. “Let’s just say that in my younger days that I knew how to get things cookin’ but this old noodle’s been boiled for years.”
Men who sustain an erection longer than five seconds must pay a 25 cents per occurrence. That includes erections occurring while one is asleep – Sen. Joe Manchin (D-West Virginia) introduced the so-called “morning wood exception” as an amendment, but it failed – and unexpected turgidity, say, when watching that scene in “Ammonite” where Kate Winslet and Saoirse Ronan go to town on each other.
The tax will be enforced through the Fitbit app Boner Cop, or by purchasing any crotch-worn device such as the Dong Detector, Tent Pole 3000, Puffer Pointer, or Wilson’s Unauthorized Erection Reporting System. The devices, which are mandatory for males age 12-75, are not available in all states but men are simply encouraged to travel to locations where they are.
The bill faces an uncertain future in the House where Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Strip Club) reported that the provisions of the bill would have cost him $100,000 in 2021 alone.
Eli Lilly, manufacturer of Cialis, saw its stock price tumbled by 76 percent moments after the announcement and Google reported that searches for “100 best bikini slips” fell to its lowest number since the internet was invented.