In response to recently declassified documents showing unexplained aerial phenomenon, the Federal Bureau of Investigations is reaching out to Americans who have experienced loss of time, unexplained phenomena, or mysterious sightings. “Did I see an Alien?” is a weekly live chat session with a FBI paranormal investigator, highlights of which will be published here and at other fine news outlets around the country.
TheTruthIsOutThere: You’re going to think I’m crazy but aliens are in my house.
FBI: We don’t judge, we just want to investigate paranormal activity. Have you seen aliens in your house?
TheTruthIsOutThere: Yes. They are small and gray. I only see them for a flash and then they’re gone.
FBI: Have the aliens tried to communicate with you?
TheTruthIsOutThere: No. I do hear them, but their voices are very high-pitched and I can’t understand what they’re saying. I also hear them in the walls.
FBI: The walls?
TheTruthIsOutThere: Yes. That’s where they live.
FBI: You have a whole alien living in the wall?
TheTruthIsOutThere: Oh yes. Dozens it sounds like. I’m worried they’ll try to abduct me or my wife but all they’ve done so far is poop on the floor.
FBI: I see. And these aliens do they, and I’m taking a wild stab in the dark, have little ears and a tail?
TheTruthIsOutThere: Oh God, you know. You’ve seen them too, haven’t you?
FBI: I’m afraid what you’ve got there is mice.
TheTruthIsOutThere: Mice? No, I’m pretty sure these are aliens. I mean, that would mean that I’m just another Joe Schmo who has mice, but if I had aliens
FBI: I’m going to stop you right there. You need to call an exterminator. Disconnecting now.
TheTruthIsOutThere: Wait! I didn’t tell you about the other aliens in the house.
FBI: OK, tell me about the other aliens I’m certain you have.
TheTruthIsOutThere: They live in the attic. They’re black and can fly.
WorkingMom82: I am very hesitant to do this; I’d be mortified if the other families in the neighborhood knew I was talking to you about this kind of thing. I need to know this is confidential.
FBI: Yes, this is absolutely confidential.
WorkingMom82: I have very good lawyer who will sue you if you are lying to me. DO NOT REPEAT THIS! OK. It all started a few months ago. It was little things at first. Strange noises in the night. We’d get up, look, nothing, but then the next day a couple cigarettes would be missing out of my purse, or we’d see pry marks on the door to the liquor cabinet. Then one day my debit card went missing. Someone used it to buy a pack of Newports – that’s the brand I smoke – and condoms.
FBI: Do you, by chance, have children?
WorkingMom82: I was getting to that. We have a 16-year-old daughter. And last night she was crying and I asked her what was happening and she said she’d been abducted by aliens and they’d impregnated her.
FBI: That’s what she told you.
WorkingMom82: That’s the only explanation that makes any sense. She and Nick are just good friends and there’s no way she knows that I smoke or drink because I’m always careful to do it when she’s not around.
FBI: [long pause] Yup, that sounds like aliens. For sure.
WorkingMom82: I knew it. I just knew it!
FBI: How about you come in to make a report. We like to disguise our offices because, you know, confidentiality, so the sign outside will say “Planned Parenthood” but that’s just a front. You should bring your daughter with you, and Nick, too, when you make your report. I’ll send you the address.
Bigfootisreal: Me and my buddies were out hunting about an hour outside Fond Du Lac one morning when I seen this big ol hairy thing through the scope of my Remington. I didn’t shoot or nothin because I dont need the game and parks guys ridin my ass any more than they already do but I watched it climb a tree like a monkey then it jumped down like a big cat and when it saw me it took off runnin like a cheeta. Vance and JD seen it too. What up with that?
FBI: Get out of here with your sasquatch bullshit. This chat is for serious alien sightings only!
TrustNo1: This is just another way for you jack-booted goons to gather intel on us. The abductions, strange lights in the sky, missing time; you guys do all that to scare us into fearing “aliens” so that we won’t see the real danger is the government. And don’t try bothering to figure out who I am because I’ve got my computer on lock.
FBI: Anyone ever tell you that you squint when you type? You should get rid of those old glasses.
Gary_Moore: Hello. My name’s Gary and it’s nice to meet you. What’s your name?
FBI: We don’t give out that information.
Gary_Moore: I see. I’m kinda new at this site. I run my own company and I was driving there one morning in my BMW convertible – all leather interior, really smooth ride – and I thought I saw lights in the sky. Before I go much further, if you don’t mind me asking, am I speaking to a female agent?
FBI: I don’t see how that’s relevant.
Gary_Moore: It’s just that I was on a different site recently chatting with a woman, or so I thought, who told me I looked like a bear and I thought, you know, teddy bear, and then things start getting personal and we agreed to meet at a public restroom on the upper east side and I figured, sure, she wants to be somewhere public so she feels safe and then I, well, let’s just say “she” wasn’t what I was expecting.
FBI: This is not a dating app, sir, this is an investigation into paranormal activity. We’re going to disconnect now.
Gary_Moore: Wait, that’s what I was going to tell you about the lights!
FBI: Did you really see unexplained lights?
Gary_Moore: Oh, yes. They were hovering over my house at the top of the hill – my city house, not the beach home I have in the Hamptons – and they were all sorts of colors. Just hovering.
FBI: When you started this story you were driving to work.
Gary_Moore: Right. It happens there too. The lights. Hovering.
FBI: What’s the name of your firm?
Gary_Moore: Moore Inc.
FBI: And what do you do?
Gary_Moore: Finance. We trade stocks. Things like that.
FBI: Gary, it took you 57 seconds to type that response and our keyboard analyzer notes that you typed and deleted several times before hitting send.
Gary_Moore: Sometimes I get distracted because OH MY GOD, THE ALIENS, THEY’RE HERE! COME QUICK!
FBI: Your IP address is in Staten Island. Looks like an apartment complex, not a house on a hill or a beach home in the Hamptons.
Gary_Moore: I sometimes stay here because the aliens are tracking me but THEY FOUND ME! HELP! THEY’VE GOT ME!
This is the aliens using Gary’s computer. We are willing to negotiate Gary’s release but only with a single woman 30 or younger.
Gary_Moore: OK, OK, I’m not being abducted. I should be so lucky. And I don’t own a company, I’m just, I’m so lonely.
FBI: It’s alright, Gary. This past year has been tough on everybody.
Gary_Moore: I just haven’t been right since Katie left. She took everything, even Gary Jr.
FBI: Your son?
Gary_Moore: Our seahorse. The super only allows fish.
FBI: Sounds like you may have a case. Would you like to talk to someone in our pet fraud division?
Gary_Moore: Are there women in that division?
Gary_Moore: OK. I’ll give it a try.
FBI: Keep your chin up, Gary, and remember, we’re never alone.
Gary_Moore: So there really are aliens?