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Rampaging turkeys captured, spree ends

Updated: Jul 8, 2022

Manchester, NH—A pair of extremely wild turkeys, recently pardoned by President Joe Biden, were captured Tuesday morning, ending a multi-state crime spree that began last week.

Peanut Butter and Jelly surrendered to law enforcement after being encircled by troopers from four different states, several FBI agents, and the Department of Homeland Security’s Poultry Crimes Division.

“Thank God it’s over,” Sgt. Bill Preston of the Maryland State Patrol. “We’ve been tracking these birds for six long days. They really made a mess of things.”

After their pardoning last Wednesday, Peanut Butter and Jelly were placed with several other turkeys on a truck bound for a farm near Cumberland, Maryland. Things took a dark turn when truck driver Cal Joseph stopped at a rest area just outside Frederick, Maryland.

“I got that enlarged prostate so I don’t hold it so good no more. I had to make a pit stop and when I come back them two bastards had busted out of their coops, opened up all the others, and were showing the other birds how to fly. I swear, they were teachin’ ‘em,” Joseph said. “I run over hollerin’, trying to get a hold of some of them when Peanut Butter tripped me with a log chain and then him and Jelly used it to tie me up.”

Joseph was treated and released from Fredrick General Hospital for bruises on his legs and talon marks on his back and chest. Doctors say his physical wounds will soon heal, but others may take longer.

“I seen into them cold, black eyes. I’m tellin’ ya, the Devil’s in them birds,” he said in a hushed tone while frequently looking over his shoulder.

The odyssey was only beginning. The turkeys commandeered Joseph’s truck and headed north to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania where Jelly held a 7-11 clerk at beak-point, demanding he fill the truck with gas.

The marauding birds weren’t seen again until Friday night when they invaded a Chili’s in Paterson, New Jersey. A waitress, who asked not to be named, said the turkeys, who had acquired a variety of weapons, cleared the restaurant.

“One of them had a sword. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it was swinging that thing like lighting. We didn’t dare get close,” said the waitress.

After stealing nearly all the meats and vegetables from the cooler, the pair broke through a police blockade near Hartford, and by Saturday morning had stolen four ATMs in Springfield, Massachusetts. By Saturday night, #TurkeysOnTheLoose was trending on Twitter.

The birds ditched the truck and stole a new Chevy Tahoe off a lot in Worcester before disappearing until Tuesday morning. That’s when William Fenton saw something suspicious happening near an outbuilding on his 1,000-acre farm near Manchester.

“I saw tire tracks through my bean field and I thought that was odd. I followed them over to the corn crib and that’s when I saw Peanut Butter and Jelly – they looked exactly like they did on the news – talking with a cooper’s hawk. Thank God they didn’t see me. I high-tailed it out of there and called the cops,” he said.

After a short pursuit, the ordeal was over.

“They came out with their wings up,” said FBI agent Lance Scruggs. “I told ‘em, ‘PB stands for prison, bitch!’ I couldn’t think of one for Jelly…Jailbird! Dammit, why didn’t I think of that at the time?"

Police say they found $72,134 in cash, three machetes, two swords, several bottles of nitro, and 574 kilos of high-grade millet.

“It’s pure, too. Probably Iams. We think the cooper’s hawk might be the kingpin,” Scruggs said.

The incident was another blow to the reeling Biden administration which must now face questions of why he released two hardened criminals.

“Yet another failed liberal experiment in coddling criminals,” Louisiana Rep. Steve Scalise said. “This president can’t keep us safe from vicious birds!”

Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene suggested Monday that Biden, along with George Soros, the New York Times, and members of the deep state, released Peanut Butter and Jelly on purpose as a pretext for declaring martial law.

“He’s going to cancel the next election over this, just you watch,” she said on Mort and Ernie’s Big Bunker Podcast.

The political headaches only worsened Tuesday when the Washington Post reported that Peanut Butter and Jelly, who were born in Canada, were in the country illegally.

“Old ‘Open Borders Biden’ strikes again,” House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy said. “We need a wall on the northern border, too! Well, maybe just a wire-mesh fence.”

The rampage is believed to be the worst animal-related scandal for a president since Socks, Bill Clinton’s cat, escaped the White House in 1994 and held three people hostage at a liquor store in Georgetown.



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