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"Queen's Gambit" controversy reaches new lows

Lausanne, Switzerland--The continued back-and-forth between the head of the International Chess Federation and several other entities raged on this week after federation President Pierre L'Ardenoit once again stepped in it Tuesday.

L'Ardenoit, known as the Donald Trump of the chess world, continued his commentary about the smash hit Netflix series "The Queen's Gambit" in which protagonist Beth Harmon overcomes a hard-scrabble youth to become a world champion. In the series, Harmon becomes addicted to tranquilizers while living in an orphanage. She initially credits the drugs with giving her the ability to play an entire game in her mind, giving her an edge on opponents.

L'Ardenoit, whose fly was open, we think inadvertently, during a press conference Tuesday, said that he didn't see anything wrong with chess players using drugs.

"Come on, every other sport people are using performance-enhancing drugs, why not us?" he said. "I, myself, was hopped up on Adderall when I was learning the Ruy Lopez."

An hour later, the World Health Organization, the American Medical Association, and the European Collective of Anti-Morons issued a statement that drug use was unsafe, ill-advised, and destructive.

"Whomever keeps giving this turd bucket a microphone should be arrested," an AMA press release stated.

The press conference was called after L'Ardenoit said last week during an interview in the French newspaper Le Monde that parents should not allow janitors to teach children chess or anything else. L'Ardenoit was referencing a scene in which a pre-teen Harmon wanders into the orphanage's basement to find the custodian, Mr. Shaibel, sitting alone at a chess board. The two become mentor-and-student, and though she quickly becomes the better player, Harmon appreciates the one adult in her life that is kind and helpful.

"You've got a guy in a basement, playing [chess] with himself. Am I the only one that sees how wrong that is? And we all know janitors are major pervs," L'Ardenoit said.

This brought swift condemnation from the International Brotherhood of Custodial Artists which sponsored a "Piss on Pierre" contest where people were encouraged to film themselves urinating on a photo of L'Ardenoit and posting it to social media.

The Le Monde interview began as L'Ardenoit's attempt to walk back comments he made after first seeing the series. While speaking at a tournament in Berlin, he said, "It's bad enough that the show had to depict a woman who is strong and successful -- no good can come of that -- but worse yet, it showed Americans beating Europeans. Hello? Are we in Crazyland here?"

L'Ardenoit, who appeared to have eaten tacos earlier judging from the stains on his faded brown shirt, concluded Tuesday's press conference by apologizing to women grand masters, adding, "Of course, women have a role in our sport, though most of them are real uggos. I wish they looked like the chick in the movie. I'd like to give her my French Opening, am I right?"

Five minutes later, it was discovered that L'Ardenoit was not who he claimed to be, but rather American YouTube comedian Frank "Booger" Jones whose previous work included calling emergency rooms while farting. Jones was quickly tarred, feathered, and set adrift in a pond where people could pay five Euros to pelt him with diseased pork.


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