Since Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) became Speaker of the House last week, speculation has swirled as to how he swayed holdouts.
MMW News Service has obtained a list of demands that Speaker McCarthy agreed to in order to secure votes:
1. Members can now use the speaker’s vacation home in Malibu free of charge (must bring own towels and toilet paper). There will be a sign-up sheet in the cloak room.
2. Any member, at any time, can now say, “Goddammit, Kevin, if you don’t (insert demand here) then I’m going to burn this place to the ground” provided that they don’t actually burn the place to the ground.
3. Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) will chair the newly created Oversight Committee on Hotties into Older Dudes.
4. Any member of the caucus can give the speaker a purple nurple provided it is off camera.
5. A snap vote can be called to remove the speaker if he (or she in the hypothetical but startlingly real possibility that Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Neptune) becomes speaker) is caught doing anything but scowling at members of The Squad. Note: Squad membership can be adjusted to fit the situation, for example, any representative that that says “Nice to see you” to Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) can be labeled a communist, woke, lefty pervert who wants to take away your Camaro and your religion.
6. Rep. George Santos (R-NY?) is allowed to wear the marine uniform that he wore the day he planted the American flag atop Iwo Jima.
7. Bills proposed by Democrats will be placed into a clay pigeon thrower and launched toward the ceiling while Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) takes aim from the balcony with an AR-15.
8. After further negotiations, members are now allowed to actually burn the place to the ground.