VATICAN—A day after calling childless couples selfish, Pope Francis encouraged married couples to have sex in order to become parents.
“Fatherhood is the true measure of a man, but one can’t become a father until he busts out that other measure of a man and starts putting it to his old lady,” he said.
In remarks earlier this week, Francis said that many couples were choosing to have pets instead of children. This leads to a loss of humanity, he said, that will damage society.
“Get rid of that dog collar…unless that’s what gets you off,” Francis said. “For far too long the Catholic Church has been rigid in what’s permissible in the bedroom, but we’ve reached an inflection point and all options are on the table. That reminds me, you don’t have to limit yourself to the bedroom. You can make the monster-with-two-backs on a table, in a chair, or even in the shed next to the old tires.”
He continued, in what papal scholars have dubbed the “Bunga Bunga Edict”.
“I have consulted with the laity on this issue and have learned that there are a number of ways to foster more porking. Dressing up was a popular suggestion – as the UPS driver, the barista from the coffee shop, your father,” Francis said. “And apparently, there’s all sorts of assisting devices, like his-and-her ball gags or a good-old-fashioned scrotal clamp, that can aid in conception.”
By Friday afternoon, #PantsOffPontiff was trending on Twitter.
Francis stressed that his pronouncement was not a reversal of the Church’s belief that intercourse between unmarried persons is a sin.
“God knows what you do on Tinder!” the Pope said.
The announcement shocked members of the clergy around the world. Phone calls to many churches went unreturned, save for Father Josh Paxton of St. Mary’s Catholic Church in Cameron, Missouri.
“I don’t really know what to say. I mean, Pope Francis is infallible, but I don’t think I could teach all that [whispering] conjugating,” Paxton said. “I gotta call that Lutheran Church across town and see if I can work something out.”
Francis added that couples who decide not to have children will regret what’s missing later in life.
“Men of the world, before it’s too late, I want to you caress your wife’s hand and tell her, ‘I knew that God had a plan for me, and when I met you that plan was revealed. I love you, but our hearts cannot be full until we make life in His image. So how ‘bout I pucker that vertical smile of yours!’” he said.