This is a public service announcement from the Citizens for Quiet Theaters, a group of diverse people who do not want movies, plays, and other performances interrupted by fellow audience members talking. Utterances such as “What did he say?” and “Is that the guy who was in the one scene with the other guy?” are not acceptable.
We originally had asked for a ironclad ban on all speaking, but then realized there could be a few, limited exceptions. After our annual meeting in Fort Lauterdale, the executive committee of CQT has come up with the following list of allowable phrases one can say during a performance.
1. My pancreas just exploded
2. There is a nest of hornets under my seat
3. This isn't “Les Miz” on Broadway but a high school production of “Paint Your Wagon”
4. The program says there will be an airborne toxic event during Act II
5. My attempt to relocate the hornet’s nest was unsuccessful
6. I just remembered where grandpa hid the Monet he stole from the Louvre
7. Katie just texted to say that she knows we’re not her real parents
8. My pants are now covered in hornets
9. Donald Trump was just convicted
10. The hornets are now entering my anus
This message brought to you by the Marcus Theater Corporation reminding you that our cinemas are clean, safe, and, except for the one in Topeka, hornet free.