ProPublica recently published stunning accounts of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas’ vacations hosted by wealthy individuals who had cases before the Court. With the Supreme Court coming back to work this week, MMW News Service investigated what the other justices did during their time off.
In an effort to bridge the red-state, blue-state divide, Sonia Sotomayor traveled to the Iowa State Fair. After watching a 12-year-old from Clarion win a blue ribbon for having the bull with the biggest testicles and seeing a woman in bedazzled stretch pants that read “freaky bitch” eat a deep-fat fried Oreo, the justice immediately flew back to Manhattan, vowing never to leave again.
Samuel Alito took his family to South Padre Island, Texas. He’d planned to play golf, water ski, and relax on the beach, but after seeing women and gay people enjoying autonomy over their lives, he spent five days brooding in his hotel room, wondering how America had lost its way.
“Honey, there’s a snorkeling at noon. It’s supposed to be straight couples only,” his wife said.
“Nah, you go ahead,” Alito sighed while staring out the window. “I’ve got some thinking to do.”
Brett Kavanaugh spent a long weekend in Las Vegas. He went to a Penn and Teller show, lost a little money at the black jack table, and took in a Celine Dion concert. He was in his room, alone, by 11 p.m. every night because Amy Coney Barrett chaperoned so he wouldn’t get drunk and grope anyone.
“I really didn’t want to but everyone was like, ‘you’re so motherly,’ as if I don’t know how to have fun,” Coney Barrett said. “I’d planned to re-read my Ayn Rand collection but ol’ BRB – Black Robe Boofer, our little nickname for Brett – really kept me busy.”
Neil Gorsuch probably went somewhere, but nobody on our staff remembered that he was on the Supreme Court.
John Roberts converted the spare room in the basement of his house into an art studio. He bought a kiln and a pottery wheel and started making various cups and bowls.
“I really like glazing,” Roberts said. “I know I’m not good at it, but it’s just nice to do something that takes my mind off work.”
Archibald Geller III of Geller, Snopes, Wilson, and Baumbach – a powerful DC law firm with several cases before the court this session – heard about Roberts’ new hobby and offered to buy the collection for $500,000.
“Of course not, that would be unethical,” Roberts reportedly said.
“Oh, we’re still doing that?” Geller said.
Elena Kagan flew on a private blimp to Beverly Hills to the estate of Marta Kaufman who’d arranged for the cast of “Friends” to recreate the entire fourth season of the show. Then the two spent a week at George Soros’ private island where they ate fondue laced with THC and burned copies of the scripture under a canopy made entirely of confiscated guns. This news was first reported by Tucker Carlson Investigates, available at alt.news.own.the.libs.Tucker or above the urinals at participating Cracker Barrels.
Kentaji Brown Jackson decided to spend a week at home catching up on projects. She hung a new painting, re-grouted the tub, pulled weeds in the flower bed, and ignored the photos Clarence Thomas posted on the Court’s Instagram account of him riding a whale and getting to pilot a 190-foot yacht.