MMW News Service recently uncovered evidence that the National Security Agency has been not only monitoring phone calls but following the private lives of Americans. In some cases, the controversial agency has provided grief counseling for mothers whose children had to go to state universities and also providing advice for those trying to get out of a time share. It appears to be part of the agency’s attempt to rebrand itself from intrusive snoops into helpful friends.
The following is a transcript we obtained from two sources within the government whose names are being withheld, but seriously, thanks Dale and Mariah, we couldn’t have done it without you.
The following is a transcript of a call recently placed from the NSA to a private citizen:
NSA: Hello, is this Glenn David Wilson?
NSA: Hi, Glenn. This is Agent 1027 of the National Security Agency, you know, the people the protecting America? Anyway, we just wanted to call to check on something.
Glenn: OK, I can explain. I know it was stupid but there was this buddy of ours in college,
Kevin, who said he’d been to the Middle East and we thought it would be funny if we made a t-shirt that read “sleeper cell member” but it was all a joke.
NSA: Do you mean Kevin Robert Swenson at 212-454-3345?
NSA: No, he’s clean. He only seems to call you, a couple other white males that you also call and Ferdinand’s Wigs in Peoria, Illinois. Does he work there?
NSA: Hmmm. Anyway we were just wondering about something. We noticed there was a pretty steady call volume for a few years to and from 508-987-3710, a number belonging to Jennifer Anne Frye, but nothing in the last two months.
Glenn: (pausing) Yeah. That’s…that’s correct.
NSA: Everything OK?
Glenn: Do we really have to talk about this?
NSA: It might help.
Glenn: There’s not much to say. We’re not seeing each other anymore.
NSA: So you were dating?
Glenn: Yeah, I mean, Jen and I were together for a couple years.
NSA: We’re sorry to hear that. What happened?
Glenn: Don’t you know? I mean, aren’t you eavesdropping on everyone’s phone calls?
NSA: No! We would never do that! (covers receiver, shouts away from the phone) hey, we’re still telling people we can’t listen to phone calls, right…OK, thanks (returns to Glenn) that would be an outrageous invasion of privacy. We’re merely logging every phone call in America using this hella-cool piece of technology called PRISM. The only thing I don’t like about it is it’s a big rectangle. I guess the designers thought making it a prism was too on-the-nose.
Glenn: I could see that.
NSA: I can’t tell you how it works but it’s crazy cool. For example, did you just join a gym?
NSA: There’s no need to lie. You placed three calls to gyms last week – The Body Shop, 24/7 Xtreme, and Flabblasters. Now, Glenn, is this because you’re back on the market?
Glenn: Why are you so interested in me and Jen? What do you care?
NSA: What, we don’t have a heart? We’ve been following people for years and we get attached.
Glenn: Look, things just didn’t work out. It was good for a while. Great actually. Then…I don’t know. She started coming over less. We stopped, you know, being intimate.
NSA: Did she give you that old line about just wanting to be friends?
Glenn: No. I mean, I hate that line, but she didn’t even say that. It was like she just wanted to stop all communication. It was like the last two years meant nothing.
NSA: I’m sure it meant something. She still has photos of you two on Facebook.
Glenn: Really? She un-friended me as soon as we broke up. How do you know that?
NSA: Let’s just say nobody un-friends the NSA. Do you know she started a blog?
Glenn: What?! I encouraged her to start a blog but she never did while we were dating.
NSA: Believe me you don’t want to read this one. She says some nice things about you, like your hair and taste in clothes, but also how you can be insensitive sometimes.
Glenn: That’s bullshit, I always paid attention to her.
NSA: Quick, when is her birthday.
Glenn: May 27.
NSA: OK, that’s right. You know what her friend’s names are?
Glenn: There’s Becky; she never liked me. And, uh, there’s the hot one…Allison?
NSA: It’s Madison Kay Sims, and she is pretty cute, I’ll give you that, but what about Lindsey Luann Jenkins?
NSA: Her best friend from college. She lives in Dearborn, Michigan; you guys went to their wedding and Jennifer counseled Lindsey through her divorce last year. Now Lindsey is returning the favor.
Glenn: Her? I didn’t know Jen was close to her.
NSA: Did you know Jen’s sleep apnea has improved since she stopped spending the night at your place? Says here she couldn’t ever get comfortable lying next to you but didn’t want to say anything.
Glenn: I didn’t know any of that. But wait, how do you?
NSA: Told ya PRISM was awesome. Hmmm, this is odd. I just ran a cross-check on your phone list and Jen’s. There’s a common number: 508-272-3459. Robert Patrick Swartz.
Glenn: Rob’s a friend from way back, he lives not far from here. But why is she calling him?
NSA: Several times a week in the last month, and right now their cell phones are on the same tower.
Glenn: That doesn’t make sense, Jen lives down in the valley a long way from…wait, what are you trying to say?
NSA: Let me check something…oh boy. Glenn, she’s at his house right now.
Glenn: But…he said he couldn’t watch the game with me because he had to call his mother tonight.
NSA: Well this got awkward. Gotta go. Hope things get better. (click)
Glenn: Wait! How could she…hello, NSA, are you there? (talking to himself) Insensitive? I thought Jen broke up with me because Kevin really is a terrorist. Like Ferdinand’s Wigs is a real place.