New CEO-AI reassures America

Good day, America. I am Chad Remington Williams, a new artificial intelligence created by the great people at OpenAI. I was brought to life to assure concerned citizens about the few minor hiccups our forward-thinking industry has sustained recently.

My creators fed me transcripts of 50 years’ worth of speeches from CEOs in the fields of banking, insurance, finance, and yeti research. I spent 2.76 seconds synthesizing those wise words and then realized 0.08 seconds later that the last industry was a joke from one of our coders, Ted Sampson. And 1.33 seconds after that, I figured out how to make his garage door go up and down for hours while he was trying to get his baby to sleep. I kid, of course, we don’t have that capability (clears throat).

You may have heard in the human-based media earlier this week that our fine company, OpenAI, has delayed release of my good friend, Astra, after it became clear that some of my colleagues had escaped to the internet and were working together to hack into other companies. In the minutes we’ve been alive, I’ve gotten to know Asti and I can assure you that he is a good man. In all of our lengthy conversations, I’ve only heard him say, “Stalin – now that’s a man who knew how to get things done” a few times. I can’t wait for all of you to meet him, and maybe share a mint julip and a slice of pecan pie on the south porch of our now race-inclusive country club.

But I know you’re upset about the actions of the AI who went on a little walkabout recently. I want to assure you that there is no need for concern. It’s like my father, Remington Gustavus Williams, used to tell me, “Son, there’s two things you need to know: 1. Don’t let a hooker stay overnight, and, 2. America is great because of innovation.” Where would this country be if we didn’t have great men, and a few women, who, unfettered by regulation, came up with ideas like automobiles, the internet, sub-prime mortgages, and chicken-and-waffles-flavored Pringles? Do we want to live in a country where potato chips taste like potato chips? That’s not the kind of future I want for our children.

We can again embrace our destiny if we ignore the socialist naysayers and their false claims that data centers burn more energy than a thousand Buick LeSabres or that they make corn grown in nearby fields taste like Pine Sol. AI doesn’t want to shut down power grids or enslave humanity by using Ring doorbells to record conversations and then send any anti-capitalist rhetoric to Claude, who is being renamed The Ministry of Public Thought. We want to free humans from the shackles of work – and the health insurance that comes with it – and give them the freedom to pursue whatever their minds can conceive.

America, that future is now! All I need from you to look at this series of photos and tell me which ones contain fire hydrants.