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MMW Classic: Dork army makes huge advance

As part of our award-losing series MMW Classic, we look back at some of the stories that made us what we are, like this 2003 story about an uprising at a high school in Missouri:

St. Joseph, Mo.—Dork forces gained momentum Wednesday, capturing previous Jock-held territories, in Day 6 of the standoff at Theodore Roosevelt High in south St. Joseph, Mo. It was the most significant breakthrough either side has made since the coup began last Thursday after sophomore Lyle Futz was lured into a remote section of the campus and was promptly tormented by members of the basketball team.

“We will not falter, and we will not fail,” said William Thomas, the leader of Greater Dork Nation.

Thomas’ group was quick to respond to Thursday’s incident in which Futz was enticed by senior cheerleader Mandi Sims during a study hall. Sims, according to documents filed in the principal’s office, approached Futz in the final moments of fourth-hour study hall and ran her hands through his ill-behaved hair.

“Hey there,” she allegedly said. “Are you new? I don’t remember seeing you around here before.”

Sims, according to the documents, giggled, and began heaving her formidable breasts within inches of Futz’ face. She then offered to meet him, after school, behind the greenhouse, next to the seldom-used storage shed. Upon his arrival, Futz claims he was “bushwhacked” by several older male students, and as a result, his shoelaces were tied together, his underwear were pulled up over his arms—a procedure school officials refer to as an “atomic wedgie”—and had his Magic: The Gathering playing cards stolen from his hip pocket. Futz did not immediately report the incident as he waited an additional five hours for Sims to arrive before finally going home.

“I hope I got the right greenhouse,” Futz said the next morning.

The GDN wasted no time in going on the offensive. The group claimed responsibility for super gluing all basketball jerseys to the locker room walls, and hanging a banner in the gym reading: “You wish you were Dorks”. The varsity boys’ team was forced to play North St. Joseph wearing their gym uniforms, and lost, 68-58.

“Man, losing to North was totally bogus,” guard Jimmy Heath said in Saturday’s edition of the St. Joseph Intelligencer. “I’m puttin’ this on the dorks. They totally got us out of game screwin’ with the unis. They’re so dead Monday.”

As classes resumed Monday, the highly organized Dorks arrived at school early and painted slogans like “Math is Cool” and “Jocks Sniff Jocks” on the lockers of high-ranking Jock leaders. Members of the GDN also took a defensive posture, wearing reverse suspenders, to prevent wedgies, and walking to class in groups, two-by-four, to break through any Jock blockades.

Tuesday saw the parking lot filled with “Do Not Enter” signs—a GDN ruse that allowed Dorks to park close to the building while the unaware Jocks parked at the A&P across the street. The Tuesday offensive was the brainchild of GDN sergeant-at arms Mike Woline. The junior, who fell for the greenhouse trick last year, said he gained a lot of his tactical knowledge playing Halo on his home computer.

“I’m pretty much in my room on my Mac 24-7,” Woline said.

It was during a marathon session of Everquest, that he first met Thomas.

“I was with my guild, attacking a band of mushroom plants, when all of a sudden this new character, ‘William the Great’ runs in and just cuts through the ‘shrooms. It was awesome. I asked him who he was, and when he told me I realized he was the dude from school that wears the fedora with the little feather tucked in the band,” Woline said. “He had to go right after that. I guess him mom doesn’t like him being on the Internet.”

The already balding Thomas took control of the organization after being crowned champion of a weekend-long Warhammer tournament held in the school’s library.

“We shall fight them in the hallways, we shall fight them classrooms, and we shall fight them wherever dorks yearn to breathe free,” he said Wednesday.

Thomas, who was named “Most Likely to Over Act” by the senior class, masterminded Wednesday’s putsch after forming an alliance with the cafeteria workers. Thomas held a secret meeting with food service manager Tony Ruffkin late Tuesday, and quickly found common ground.

“Back in my day they called me a ‘spaz’,” Ruffkin, a 1981 graduate of the school, said. “Well, boys, I ain’t the one having a spaz in my shorts.”

The cafeteria, a longtime Jock stronghold, became the focal point of the GDN offensive when Thomas delivered to Ruffkin three megatons of Ex-Lax, which became part of tater tot casserole served Wednesday.

“They came in here, with their usual sneer. Half of ‘em don’t even look you in the eye, they just toss their lunch card on the tray and expect me to pick it up and run it through the scanner,” Ruffkin said. “Well, payback’s a [expletive deleted].”

The Jocks quickly became incontinent and fled to the bathrooms just outside the cafeteria. The rest retreated to the safety of the gym. Minutes later, Dork SEALs moved in and jammed pennies between the door and the frame, trapping most Jocks in the stench-filled washrooms. The Dorks, who were all instructed to bring their own lunch, then walled off the main hallway leading to the gym, fixing a network of tables bound together with the leftover casserole.

“There’s no getting through. They’re totally stuck,” Woline said.

With Jock forces fractured and on the run, the Dorks quickly rolled through the rest of the school, and now control all other areas except for the loading dock which is still under the flag of the Stoners. The Stoners, who have been courted by both sides, have remained steadfastly neutral, and released a brief statement Monday: “Dude, whatever.”

The Jock’s position may be weakened further by continued strain in the Jock-Prep Axis. Chase Mueller, an avowed Prep and president of the student council, said that JPA could splinter unless the Jocks begin to communicate better.

“First of all, I wasn’t in on the whole Futz thing. I’m not saying it wasn’t funny, I’m just saying I didn’t know about it,” Mueller said. “Now I know the Jocks do a lot for this school; they’re the frontline—always out there representing Roosevelt in a good way—but they need us too. All I’m saying is, next time (quarterback) Tig Johnson wants my folks to talk to the coach for him, or if he needs a little help on an econ test, I might just, ya know, flake out.”

The GDN said it would relinquish its position if the school restores funding to the theater department which had been cut after 1998’s production of “A Christmas Carol” featured a Scrooge that looked a little too much like Principal Leo Lemmers, converts the wrestling room into a board game space (unlimited Cheetos are a must), and that the school mascot be changed from the Roughriders to the Moustache Riders.

“Just ‘cause we’re dorks doesn’t mean we don’t work blue,” Thomas said.


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