The Republican National Committee tweeted its schedule for its national convention Sunday.
Monday
Theme: Finish the wall!
Rock band 3 Doors Down will kick off the festivities performing that one song you kinda remember.
Recent deportee Luis Torres will tell viewers how much better his life is since being kicked out of the U.S. and returned to his native Honduras.
Rep. Louie Gohmert of Texas, fresh off recovering from the overblown Covid-19 virus that China totally engineered to undermine Trump, will speak live from a border wall facility in Brownsville. He had previously recorded a two-minute speech from a wall section in the Rio Grande Valley but it, undermined by gophers, fell over last week.
Rep. Jim Jordan of Ohio will host a wrestling clinic in Nogales, Ariz. where he’ll teach children how to “slap a half-Nelson on illegal border crossers.”
(Note: Steve Bannon was originally scheduled for this slot but his yacht-based recording was momentarily interrupted by police)
Eric Trump will headline with a speech about how great his dad is at building things. “One Christmas he bought me an erector set and then ordered my nanny to show me how it worked.”
Tuesday
Theme: Look out!
Toby Keith’s performance will detail how Donald Trump will restore American greatness one red Solo Cup at a time.
Police chiefs from across the country will talk about how sad Black Lives Matter makes them feel.
Mark and Patricia McCloskey, the St. Louis couple who bravely brandished guns at people walking by their house, will talk about how threatened they felt. “There were a bunch of them walking by, not driving with their doors locked like normal people.”
Sen. Tom Cotton of Arkansas will talk about how the worst thing Covid-19 has done is distract us from fearing Muslims.
Q-Anon will speak from a boat in the Gulf of Mexico about a forthcoming Covid-19 vaccine will be engineered to make Americans dislike the taste of beef.
Donald Trump Jr. will close the night by noting how cool it is that he and Melania are almost the same age.
Wednesday
Theme: What kind of name is Kamala anyway?
Unable to find another musical group, the RNC will rebroadcast the 3 Doors Down performance from Monday.
Sean Hannity will make the case that Democrats shouldn’t trust Kamala Harris because of her ties to Wall Street and her prosecutions of African Americans while California’s
Attorney General.
Rush Limbaugh will make the case that Kamala Harris is far-left radical who will outlaw police, ban religion, and spend the next four years personally performing abortions.
In a lighter moment, magician The Amazing Fillipelli will saw a lady in half, emphasizing that the lady is the economy and the saw is socialism.
My Pillow CEO Michael Lindell will remind everyone that Hilary Clinton is still a bad person.
Vice-President Mike Pence will ask God for forgiveness for once saying “Hi” to New York Rep. Elise Stefanik while nobody else was around.
Thursday
Theme: Make America even more greater!
The RNC will play a series of John Phillip Sousa marches against the Sousa family’s wishes.
The night kicks off with a nationwide mask burning party. Participants are encouraged to film themselves setting fires, and their inevitable confrontation with law enforcement.
Clint Eastwood will reprise his empty chair bit.
Ukrainian intelligence agent Petir Svemanaslov will show photos of himself and Joe Biden, both looking very grim.
Ivanka Trump will introduce her father while juggling three cans of Goya beans.
The final two hours and 15 minutes of the convention are reserved for the president. He’ll speak from a giant arena in Charlotte a giant arena in Jacksonville the east lawn of the White House where he’ll make the case that America is going to hell so we should definitely give him four more years.