Man can’t remove lurid bumper sticker

Waterloo, Ia.—Kyle Larson loves everything his new SUV, except for the bumper sticker.

Larson, 28, picked up a gray 2012 Range Rover about a month ago.

“It’s got AC, power windows, sun roof. Pretty low miles, too,” he said. “But yeah, the bumper sticker is a drag.”

Prominently displayed on the right side of the trunk, in red capital letters, is “I [heart] PENIS”.

“The guy who sold it to me told me I could get it off pretty easy, but no luck so far,” Larson said. “It actually had two; the other said ‘I [heart] GAY PORN’ which I tore off after a little soap and water, but the other one won’t budge.”

After failing to loosen the suggestive sticker, he tried turpentine to no avail. An X-Acto knife was no more successful and caused minor paint damage.

“So, I colored over it with a gray Sharpie, but the ink just beaded up on it and then washed off the next time it rained,” Larson said.

Larson covered the libidinous label with duct tape, but then someone removed it.

“Don’t look at me,” friend Tom Greenway said, giggling. “Probably just some dude who likes what he sees! But seriously, he should keep it. I mean, without it, it’s just a dad ride, but now he’s famous. He should take a photo next to it with him wearing just chaps, put it up on Facebook.”

That will not be happening, Larson assures. His girlfriend, Kristin Thomas, does not see the humor.

“No [expletive deleted] way am I driving that thing. Might as well hang a sign that says, ‘follow me home,’” she said. “How many used SUVs out there don’t have a pro-dong bumper sticker? All but one as far as I can tell!”

Spray-painting the dirty decal is an option, though Larson said he couldn’t find a matching color. He’s also consulted a local body shop about sanding and repainting the entire panel, but it was too expensive.

“Then the guy says, ‘I’ll be happy to work on your back end.’ I couldn’t tell if he was hitting on me,” Larson said while Greenway nodded vigorously. “It’s cool, you know. I respect everyone, it’s just…I don’t…maybe I’ll go to a different shop.”

Following the interview, Larson and Greenway drove off, while Thomas waited for the bus. Other drivers honked and made simulated fellatio gestures through open windows until Larson turned the corner and headed out of sight.

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