Comer, Geo.—Like much of the nation, Randy Billingham watched the Jan. 6 attack on the U.S. Capitol in horror, though for a different reason.
Billingham, a psuedonym he agreed to for this interview, fully intended to participate in the riot that shocked the nation, but he overslept. He’d driven to the DC area alone, getting a hotel room in Frederick, Maryland the night before using a credit card in the name of Gustav Nertz (Billingham’s other aliases include Herm Furman, D T Swipps, Brandy Illingham, Bobby “Full Pull” McClunk, The Guy, That Guy, A Guy, Hillary Clinton, and Righteous Soaring Eagle USA Patriot Jones). He’d intended to drive the 40 miles to Washington the next morning, but overslept.
“I used to have an alarm on my phone, but I got rid of it because that’s how they regulate your sperm count,” Billingham said.
When asked who “they” was he laughed.
“Oh, you’d love me to tell you that, wouldn’t you?” He said.
Billingham now has a phone he built himself out of an old remote control that runs on sunlight and pickle juice. As such, it doesn’t always keep accurate time. A three-day carbo load (“You can’t overthrow the government on an empty stomach,” he said) and the long drive from his home in Comer, Georgia made Billingham extra sleepy. He didn’t wake up until 4 p.m., by which time it appeared too late to join the attempted coup.
“I haven’t been so disappointed since I tried to dig my way into that bank,” Billingham said. “I wasn’t going to steal any money, I just wanted to steal the solution they spray on the money that makes men impotent.”
Billingham drove home in his 2003 Toyota Tercel with a trunk full of unused supplies: six gallons of olive oil, four cans of sprayable Cheez Whiz, a Biden-Harris t-shirt, and a large collection of fiesta ware.
“I put the Cheez Whiz on my head to block any radio waves the FBI might be sending out; I was going to spray the EVOO on Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and the rest of the bastards that are stealing our elections. It burns them…well, not them, actually, but the cephalopod that lives inside them that controls their bodies,” Billingham said. “If I was cornered, I was planning to put on the shirt so I could escape since Democrats get away with everything, and the fiesta ware I got at a thrift store in South Carolina. I just thought it was cute.”
Billingham returned to his job as purchasing manager for Boots and Boots and Boots in his hometown, but he said the fight was far from over.
“The next couple of weeks I’m going to be collecting ballots for those two senate races here,” Billingham said. “Gotta make sure (Republican Sens. Kelly) Loeffler and (David) Purdue win. Wait…what?”