North Pole—Santa Claus announced Thursday that he can no longer guarantee children’s presents will arrive on Christmas Day amid an unprecedented number of resignations at his factory.
Kringle Industries (D/B/A SantaCo. a subsidiary of Amazon) has seen 28 percent of its elves resign in the past three months, causing mandatory overtime and extended weekend hours at the factory. That has only exacerbated a strained relationship between the workforce and management.
“I remember just a few years ago when we could make two X-box Nanos an hour, now we’re expected to make five,” said an elf who asked not to be named. “We can’t even get a break. I’m not proud of this, but I wear Depends during my 12-hours shift, and let me tell you, it’s not like when you were an infant and you don’t notice. I mean, the stuff stays right there!”
Little Tim, who’d worked at the plant for 12 years, quit last week after an accident shut down his line. A worker reportedly fell asleep and was nearly crushed to death under a cascade of Dance Dance Dance Dolls.
“I’m not dying so some [expletive deleted] kid can get some [expletive deleted] doll that doesn’t even dance for [expletive deleted]. Seriously, I took one of those [expletive deleted] things out of the box and tried to get it to dance and the [expletive deleted] was broke. So I put some singles in its pants and said ‘bet you dance now!’ and then the boss is all like, ‘Tim, that’s disturbing’ and I’m like, ‘You know what’s disturbing is I ain’t had a [expletive deleted] day off in a month you [expletive deleted]’ and I quit right there, and on the way out the door I took a [expletive deleted] in that [expletive deleted] hat they make us wear. I’m a grown-ass elf, don’t insult me [expletive deleted],” he said.
Attempts at unionizing in the past have always failed, but for the first time since the Cabbage Patch Strike of 1986, the workers appear to have the upper hand. Santa announced Dec. 17 that after the holiday rush ends, he will consider entering into a collective bargaining agreement with the elves, but just two days, and dozens of walkouts later, Claus said he would offer pay raises, two week’s vacation, and health care.
“We’re going to match anything Keebler has to offer,” Claus said.
But the problems don’t end there. Claus’ reindeer, who have long been unionized, have also sensed an opportunity. Blitzen, the group’s spokesdeer, said he wants increased profit sharing and a guarantee that no automated reindeer are used through 2040.
“We want 15 points off the back end, and guaranteed jobs until we retire,” Blitzen said.
Claus was hoping to purchase up to two fully autonomous reindeer for this year’s ride but the technology remains too expensive. Part of President Joe Biden’s stalled Build Back Better initiative set aside $2.3 million in tax credits for reindeer automation, but the bill now appears unlikely to pass.
“I’d give Joe Manchin a lump of coal but it’d only make him smile,” Claus said.
Worse yet, Rudolph – the iconic Christmas-saver of fable – remains at The Cedars for his ongoing cocaine addiction.
“Why do you think that nose is so red?” Blitzen said. “I love the guy, but come on, he’s had problems ever since they wrote that song about him. It went to his head. He’s spent the last 40 years with a razor blade in his hoof.”