Washington DC—This is one big flap.
In one of the few traditions President Donald Trump hasn’t upended, he issued pardons Sunday to two turkeys he named himself – Crooked Clucker and Lyin’ Gobbler. But even the light-hearted event ruffled feathers this year when the official pardoning document included additional pardons written in invisible ink.
The document, signed by the president, simply stated:
I do hereby grant a full an unconditional pardon to Crooked Clucker and Lyin’ Gobbler. They cannot be charged with high crimes or misdemeanors and will be allowed to live out the rest of their lives safe from prosecution.
But the meat of the story was discovered later by a White House staffer, who chose to remain nameless for fear that he and his roommates at 431 Dupont Circle in Washington would be retaliated against.
“I was told to make nine photocopies of the original document, which I thought was strange,” the staffer said. “I was to give the president the original, and then send the nine copies to every district court in the country. But while I was making them, the original became warm and the invisible ink was revealed.
Following the words “unconditional pardon to…” appeared the names “President Donald J Trump, Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner, Donald Trump Jr., the other one, and Rudy Juli…Jeweli…Ghouli…the former mayor of New York.”
“I was shocked,” the staffer, who drives a gray Mazda Miata, said. “That’s when I called the MMW News Network because I knew you would break the story and keep my identity a secret.”
White House Spokesperson Kayleigh McEnany ladled some gravy on the story, saying, “This is a complete lie and yet another fabrication by the left-wing media, but the document is very real and legally binding.”
DC District Court Judge Jennifer West said she and her staff would review the matter.
“We will treat this like any other case before the court and we will treat it fairly, seriously, and (breaks into laughter) oh, man, I almost did it but I couldn’t hold it back. Yeah, let’s give this turd-fest a full judicial review,” West said, snorting.
Upon hearing that their pardon might be dismissed, the Clucker and Gobbler flew the coop. They were last seen hiding in the luggage compartment on a plane bound for Canada.
“By the time you read this, my clients will be in a safehouse in Saskatchewan where they’ll be cared for by two vegans,” the turkey’s attorney said in a statement. “And now that they are safely out the country, I can tell you that both birds voted for Joe Biden.”