By Mike Pence
With all the hullabaloo surrounding the ongoing discovery of classified documents in President Joe Biden’s possession, I thought I should check my belongings. The good book says not to cast the first stone, and wisely so, because to my surprise I found several items I should have turned over to the National Archives.
In my filing cabinet I was flipping through a stack of owner’s manuals and right between the one for that juicer I no longer use and mother’s C-PAP machine was a file marked “North Korean nuclear capabilities.” Among the 37 pages was a map of CIA estimates of how deep into America the North Koreans could strike. I cannot reveal the contents, but let’s just say that if you live east of Topeka, you can sleep a little easier.
Next, I checked all the boxes I have in the basement. I found a DVD marked “Interview with Aliens at Area 51.” It was next to a card President Trump had given me after I debated Kamala Harris. My former boss wasn’t always overflowing with praise, but he used some of his own Trump-branded stationery to write me a note that read, “You did alright, Mark.”
Anyway, I swore I’d given that back, along with the special ear muffs we wore because the aliens’ language can liquify the human eardrum if precautions aren’t taken. They seemed like real nice guys, though I found it very troubling that they had no conception of God. Say what you want about Satanists but at least they believe in something.
Lastly, I checked my lake home in Terre Haute and I found yet another item, and I immediately exclaimed, “Gee willikers!” I’m not proud of that, but fortunately nobody was around to hear me. It was the strategic plan we drew up over the summer of 2020 of how we would defend the capitol in case Democrats, angry about another Trump victory, stormed the building and stop us from certifying the election. Guess we didn’t need to worry about that.