How We Fix Our Elections

By that cousin you blocked on Facebook


I am hopping mad at how our “elections” worked out this year, and I don’t care who knows. We all know the Republicans should have won big. I mean, just look at all the great ideas we had, like slowing inflation by banning trans kids from running track or restoring our prestige in the world by telling anyone who would listen that our schools are filled with woke America-hating perverts.


I saw some guy on Hannity last week talking about how we should hand count every vote and had it live streamed on the internet. I laughed at him, of course, because that idea doesn’t go nearly far enough. So here’s my foolproof plan to restore American democracy before 2024.


1. Count everything by hand and don’t trust machines


It’s just like when I go to the gas station. I always pay, in cash so that George Soros can’t get my PIN number, and then I squirt the gas into a clear container that I had marked so that I know exactly how many gallons I’m getting. The other day, my tank said five gallons but the pump display said 5.2 and I marched into that QuikTrip and said “I know you guys have been laughing at me every time I come here but look at this (I held up my sloshing gas tub) and tell me who the idiot is now!”


So yes, we need to hand count every vote, and broadcast the hand counting live, but we can’t stop there because who knows what happened after the cameras stopped rolling? Who knows what happened before the cameras started rolling? We need to follow the ballot from the moment it is cast until it locked in a vault underneath Mount Rushmore.

And we of course will have to zoom in the cameras to make sure that when the counters say “Here’s one for Joe Biden” we actually see that the oval is filled in next to his name and that they’re not just saying it is. And we also need name, address, Social Security Number, and pant size of all the vote counters just to make sure the alleged


Republicans doing the counting aren’t secret Democrats, or worse, Liz Cheney supporters. I also think the vote counters should all be over 50. I don’t trust these young snowflakes because once they see someone voting Republican they’ll probably need to bring in their therapy dog and he’ll just eat the ballots, which is probably all part of their plan anyway.


2. End the secret ballot


I know we’ve been doing it this way for a long time but it’s a luxury we just can’t afford. Besides, why aren’t you proud of who you voted for? Put your name on the ballot you big panty waste and stand behind your vote! Then instead of one sticker we hand out two; one that reads “I voted” and another that reads “I voted wrong” and everyone is required to wear them for at least six months after the election. That way, we can just count heads and finally see where all these Democrat votes are coming from. Plus, I’ll finally know what my neighbor Craig’s party affiliation is. He flies Old Glory over his house, but he also drives a Prius; he might be a flip-flopper.


3. Photo IDs aren’t enough


I remember when my buddies and I stole a laminate machine from the principal’s office at my high school so we could make fake IDs and finally get into the Raunchy Raccoon strip club. Turned out Dale’s mom worked there, so it was kind of a buzzkill. She’d told him she was just an accountant there though she was never good with numbers. Anyway, the point is IDs can be faked and it’s just too easy for someone to fake an ID, vote illegally, fake another ID, vote illegally again, and before long you get to the seven million our fake president won by in 2020. What we need are retina scanners, DNA samples, fingerprints, and some of that fingertip restoration cream to apply to people who use acid to burn off their fingerprints just so they can vote twice. Alex Jones sells some on his website.


4. Bring back the poll tax


Now, I know what you’re going to say. “Randy, you can’t keep sleeping in my tool shed every time your wife kicks you out of the house.” Then you’re going to say, “But how do we pay for all this?” Easy. We just charge a $5 ballot handling fee. Ticketmaster does it and everybody seems to like them. That’d be more than enough to pay for all the people, cameras, and creams we need, plus we could get one of those weightless machines NASA uses to train astronauts. It’s scientifically proven that nobody can lie when they’re floating, so we just have every voter get in one and ask them, “Is Johnson your real name?” and “Have you ever sat during the National Anthem?”


Once we’ve implemented these simple, common sense, solutions we’ll finally have secure elections, and then we can get back to the work of shrinking government and getting it out of people’s lives.

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