Cedar Rapids, IA—Hundreds of supporters gathered Wednesday in Cedar Rapids to hear a speech from former president, and former person, Ronald Reagan – a hologram of whom successfully filed paperwork to compete in the Iowa Caucuses.
“It is great to be with you in…Cedar…Rapids,” the translucent representation of America’s 40th president said in a halting voice. “Let’s make it morning in America…again!”
Chad Hansen, director of the Re-Ronald super PAC, said he came up with the idea after using ChatGPT.
“I hired a couple college kids to make the hologram and set up an interactive database of every recorded speech President Reagan ever gave. It took about 20 minutes and it only cost 35 Flonxx – that’s a crypto currency the same guys created last week,” Hansen said.
Political analysts were surprised that Iowa law allows computer-generated non-humans to run for office. A recently updated list of candidate requirements includes the following:
· Be an American citizen
· Receive an appropriate number of verified signatures on a petition
· Have never spoken a language other than English, except as a joke
· Use pronouns like “Patriot” and “Freedom lover”
· Have never lived in Iowa City
· Frequently use the phrase “not my president” but only beginning in 2021
· Believe the corn and beef are the pillars upon which western civilization was built
“Doesn’t say anything about holograms!” Hansen noted.
Hansen came up with the idea after surveying the 2024 Republican field. He said all the candidates had a lot going for them but lacked Reagan’s unifying message.
“Don’t get me wrong, President Trump did some wonderful things. He cut taxes, and gave us a majority on the Supreme Court, and everybody seems to love that,” Hansen said. “And he built that wall…well, wall sections, some of which are still standing. And he really annoyed liberals, which is great fun but it just seems like maybe a president should do more than that.”
Reagan spoke for about 20 minutes, cut short by a glitch.
“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wa…tear down this wa…tear down this wa…” it repeated for about 30 seconds before the hologram briefly disappeared. A minute later, the hologram reappeared wearing a different suit and looking slightly younger.
“Sometimes you have to take the cartridge out of the machine and blow on it,” Hansen said. “We don’t have all the bugs worked out but I’d say it was a successful first day.”
The message resonated with Craig Louden, 72, of Manchester. He’d voted for the flesh-and-blood Reagan in the 80s and looks forward to doing so for the ones-and-zeros recreation.
“The last county Republican meeting I went to, 75 percent of the guys there were wearing camo even though they’d never been in the military. We spent a half-hour talking about which math textbooks make white people feel bad – turns out it’s all of ‘em – then we drafted a resolution that trans kids have to wear a shirt with a big “T” on it. I said, ‘You mean like the scarlet letter?’ and nobody said anything until this one guy says, ‘It could be any color,’” Louden said. “Look, I just want to be around people who believe in small government but who aren’t morons or Nazis. So, yeah, I’m voting for the computer thingy. I know it isn’t really Ronald Reagan but it’s still better than these other bozos.”
Within an hour, a clip of Louden’s remarks exploded online with thousands begging Louden himself to run for president while thousands more accused him of being a plant from the Chinese-Jewish-controlled deep state.