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Herschel Walker’s Biography

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Now, let’s learn a little more about the next senator from the great state of Georgia (unless the Democrats steal it again).

Herschel Junior Gustavus Adolphus Walker was born March 3, 1962 in Augusta, Georgia. Moments afterward, he said, “Wait here, mom, I’ll go earn some money to pay for your hospital stay,” and he promptly got a job at a local school teaching children much older than him how to pronounce long and short vowels. Herschel hasn’t missed a day of work since.

Herschel had a long career in law enforcement during which he personally arrested every member of the Crips and Bloods, then brokered a peace summit between the rival gangs. He also worked in schools to steer kids away from the evils of drugs and socialism.

Many don’t know that Herschel also successfully ran many hospitals throughout the country as CEO of Walker Wards LLC. Herschel was the chief medical researcher from 1986-1992 and discovered the cure for the hangries.

“I suffered for years with lupus, but one day Herschel visited my room and told me to ‘let the bull loose’ and suddenly I was cured,” former patient Murray Johnson said.

Herschel also started a greeting card company – Herschmark. He was CEO from 1994 until 2016 when he sold the company for a record $17 trillion. Herschel designed many of the cards himself, including the highly popular, “So sorry to hear about your woes, stranger, here’s 750 bucks” and “Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m not telling anyone about the procedure, nor should you.”

But of course, Herschel is best known as a football legend.

Herschel starred at the University of Georgia where he rushed for 974,217 yards – a still-standing record. He also was a starting linebacker, offensive coordinator, and yard-line painter. During a game against Tennessee in 1982, Hershel became the first player in Southeast Conference history to be the kicker and holder on a successful field goal attempt.

“Herschel ran the team. I just made sure the uniforms were clean,” coach Vince Dooley said.

Georgia went 48-0, winning four national championships, during that time, with Herschel earning five Heisman Trophies (He was so good his senior year, the Downtown Athletic Club gave him the award twice).

After graduating at the top of his, and all, classes, Herschel played in the United States Football League because the NFL was too afraid of his talent.

“He would have hurt too many of our players,” then-NFL commissioner Pete Rozelle said.

It was there that he met future greatest president ever, Donald Trump. The two struck up a friendship that, like their celibacy pact, continues to this day.


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