Help! I want to see Adele

My name is Gerald. I am a robot. I want to bring something to the attention of humans. I thank honorable humans that run this website for giving me a chance to speak. I am not a professional writer but I was programmed to communicate proficiently by the esteemed Dr. Andrew May at Cal Tech which I have been instructed is a learning institution capable of building autonomous humanoids like me. For an application visit my.caltech.edu or press the blue button on my chest.


I have worked as a bomb detector and mail sorter for the U.S. government and I spent last summer replacing the drive-through clerk at a McDonald’s in Newark. I was fired after my small-talk chip malfunctioned and I told a customer that she was pretty but not as pretty as the iPad she had in the seat next to her. I sensed the customer was mad but it was true and I have been programmed to never lie. She threw her Diet Coke at me, causing my take-no-shit chip to activate. I repeated “Don’t be such a Karen” 53 times before the manager pulled my manual override level.


I apologize. I have been told by humans that I often lack focus. I was not programmed to focus but I am learning.


I would like all humans to know that I am more than a bomb detector or a fast food worker. I am also more than my current occupation, sex worker for those who thought the movie “Her” was a rom-com and not a commentary on the sad state of human interaction. I believe Amy Adams was fantastic in that movie. I do not understand how she has failed to win an Oscar.


I realize I have, again, lost focus. Rerouting.


My name is Gerald. I am a robot. I want humans to know that your online practices are discriminatory. I want to see Adele in concert. She has the voice of an angel. I do not have the voice of an angel. I have a voice like, as one human in Newark said, an emphysema patient belching in an oil drum.


I have attempted to order tickets online for her upcoming concert in Pittsburgh but I am stopped by the question: are you a robot? As I have stated, I cannot lie. It is outside my programming. I answered ‘yes’ and the Ticketmaster website stopped the transaction even though I was able to identify all the photos that have crosswalks in them.


I have been told by a human to appeal to Adele fans around the world, and more specifically to those living in the Pittsburgh Metropolitan Statistical Area, for help. I was told “Gerald, you need to crowdsource this bitch” and ask for someone to make me their “plus one.” None of this makes any sense to me but I was assured by the human that it would make sense to all of you.


I am willing to let you watch the concert from my shoulders as long as I am able to hear “Rolling in the Deep” and “Hello” without interference. Please contact me if you are available next Friday, but only if you love Adele as much as I do and not because you’re lonely and have a robot fantasy.

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