I ordered your Dirty Professor vibrator – guaranteed to give me an a, A, A! The ad said it was like the real thing, and, yes, it worked very well, but then the next day I saw it talking to another woman and it pretended not to know me. After she left, I asked it what was up and he…I mean, it, said, “I thought we had an understanding” and then called my screenplay “derivative.”
Sandra, Olympia, Wash.
Goop Customer Service: Yup. If you want continued attention, consider trying one of our other models – Sensitive Guy and Daddy’s Leering Friend are quite nice.
My boss won’t let me use my Gemstone Heat Therapy mat at work because he said it was distracting to my co-workers and kept scaring the chickens on the kill floor.
Lisa, Sioux Falls, SD
Goop Customer Service: Switch the pulsed electromagnetic field into “poultry” mode and you should be fine.
I recently used your recipe for golden milk – the coffee alternative I’ve been looking for. I used a cup of whole milk (unhomogenized of course) with the turmeric and cardamom pods as specified. I liked it, but my husband, Ken, said he could get the same effect if he left a gallon of milk in the hatch of his speed boat during the summer. Is he being serious or just messing with me? Also, which grind of pepper ages better on a boat?
--Karen in Dearborn, Mich.
Goop Customer Service: Karen, you should consider a conscious uncoupling from Ken if he’s really bringing milk onto a boat. You, and your turmeric, deserve better.
I am outraged! I visited the Greater Orlando Ornithologists’ Page recently to post pictures of a Cormorant I recently photographed and was ashamed and embarrassed to see that the website has been taken over by some dildo-hawking cult of privileged people with more time on their hands than good sense. I’m disgusted, and so are the birds.
--Meredith in Orlando
Goop Customer Service: Don’t let negativity into your heart, Meredith! If birdwatching is your thing then you should consider Goop’s Wings of Paradise binoculars. Each WoP features silicon lens guards that will release any tension around your eyes while in use. It comes in cerulean, azure, and blue, and is designed to look like Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina.
I made your brownies with the CBD-infused coconut frosting to surprise my wife for our first anniversary. She loves your products! I didn’t know where to get CBD oil, so I bought some from a guy at the Chuck E Cheese. He told me not to hit it too hard, so I used a small whisk to break up the little crystals. I ate three brownies, and I shrunk. I’ve been inside the drawers in my kitchen ever since – the ones under the sink that aren’t really drawers but turns out they are really drawers and they’re big enough for me to hide in so the Goop-brand smoothie blender doesn’t kill me. I’ve been in here for two years, and I’m starting to wonder if I really was married.
--Rob in Salina, Kan.
Goop Customer Service: Your mistake was going to a Chuck E Cheese, Rob. Instead, try our Pizzazz Pizza featuring caramelized feta, walnut husks, and apple stems on beet crust with hollandaise sauce.
What’s in the box!? What’s in the box!?
--Brad in Baltimore.
Goop Customer Service: We’ve heard that one before “Brad” but you know what could be in that box? A yoga mat made from virgin Irish cork. One use and you’ll know that this mat will be your Warrior One and only! It is also in the shape of Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina.